Steve Rogers ☆ Captain America (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
punched_hitler) wrote2014-09-03 10:12 pm
punched_hitler) wrote2014-09-03 10:12 pm
☆ 6 ☆ (VIDEO)
So I know it's only been two days, but anyone who's made it through two days of Basic so far - trust me. It could be worse. [He cocks a wry grin. Bucky's not the worst drill sergeant Steve's seen, and besides:] You could have asthma.
[Yeah, he's pretty sure he almost died at least ten times during Basic. And he got the much abbreviated version.
Anyway.]
If anyone's got any questions, or just wants to get in some extra practice with a different face, let me know. But, [he raises one finger,] I'm not your Drill Sergeant, and I'm not about to contradict anything he says just because you want to hear he's wrong - because he's not. [So just keep that in mind. Steve might be helping Bucky, but Bucky's in charge here.]
[PRIVATE TO MINDY MACREADY]
Hey. Just because I'm not your temporary warden anymore doesn't mean we need to ignore each other, right? Remember, I'm right down the hall if you need anything - whether it's a couch or a punching bag. [Literally or figuratively.
Still, he doesn't want to push. She doesn't seem like she'd respond well to that. He can only offer, she's got to take him up on it. So.] Otherwise... I'm sure I'll see you in the gym.
[PRIVATE TO VEX]
[He's seen Vex on the network, but they've never spoken. Now, though, it looks like that's going to have to change.] I guess I should introduce myself - I'm Captain Rogers. Or you can call me Steve. I admit, I don't know much about you - but I'd like to think I'm a pretty good listener.
[Yeah, he's pretty sure he almost died at least ten times during Basic. And he got the much abbreviated version.
Anyway.]
If anyone's got any questions, or just wants to get in some extra practice with a different face, let me know. But, [he raises one finger,] I'm not your Drill Sergeant, and I'm not about to contradict anything he says just because you want to hear he's wrong - because he's not. [So just keep that in mind. Steve might be helping Bucky, but Bucky's in charge here.]
[PRIVATE TO MINDY MACREADY]
Hey. Just because I'm not your temporary warden anymore doesn't mean we need to ignore each other, right? Remember, I'm right down the hall if you need anything - whether it's a couch or a punching bag. [Literally or figuratively.
Still, he doesn't want to push. She doesn't seem like she'd respond well to that. He can only offer, she's got to take him up on it. So.] Otherwise... I'm sure I'll see you in the gym.
[PRIVATE TO VEX]
[He's seen Vex on the network, but they've never spoken. Now, though, it looks like that's going to have to change.] I guess I should introduce myself - I'm Captain Rogers. Or you can call me Steve. I admit, I don't know much about you - but I'd like to think I'm a pretty good listener.
Private
He has a feeling Bucky feels the same way - would have felt the same way, if he'd gotten the chance. It's why Peggy and Howard and Phillips founded SHIELD in the first place. It's why Steve worked for SHIELD, after he woke up.
It's why, sometimes, he actually feels bad for the guys who did have to go home and become bankers, or accountants, or salesmen, or whatever else, because he doesn't know how they did it. He both envies them and respects them for it, but he knows it's just… not an option for him. And it's not an option for Bucky. It's part of the reason, he knows, why Bucky hasn't given up the uniforms.]
Yeah. It kind of is.
[Still, he tries to smile a little.] It doesn't mean a ticker tape parade and a couple of girls willing to hang on your every word wouldn't be welcome though, huh?
[It's sort of that fantasy of what every guy wanted when he got home. But regardless of the form it took… what every guy wanted was recognition. Thanks. Just some kind of acknowledgement that you went through hell, and that somebody appreciated it.
There's a really, really long pause. He isn't sure he should say this. He doesn't want to bring up Bucky's death, whether it's "real" or not, but after a minute, he sort of figures Bucky does deserve to hear this.] Your name, it's - there's this memorial. I've seen it, at the SHIELD academy. You're on it. Everyone who goes through that place knows who you are and what you did.
[Okay, that seriously might have been one of the hardest things he's ever said. And he hasn't even mentioned the Smithsonian exhibit.]
Private
God. That's not- That isn't-
Honestly? He doesn't really know what to do with that, because sure, it's nice to know he's not forgotten, but he doesn't really feel like he wants recognition. No ticker tape parade, none of that matters to him, not really.
But that still hits him somewhere in a way he hadn't expected, and it kind of shows in his expression for a second, some muddled emotion that's not quite identifiable.]
I guess that's good to know.
[Abruptly, he wants to apologize again for getting killed, but that hasn't exactly done any good in the past. They're both idiots.]
Re: Private
Is.
He just shrugs, trying to say sorry without really saying it and just making things worse. And like hell he'll be mentioning any museum exhibits now. So. Steamrolling right ahead.] Either way, I'm sure they'll get a better idea of things once you've put 'em through Basic. Then it won't be quite so much like words in a textbook as not-so-fond memories. [He tries to smile.] As long as everybody lives.
Which... I think is reasonably likely.
Private
No one's gonna die. And I don't wanna turn them into soldiers, I just want them better prepared.
[So maybe they won't have to feel completely ripped apart and vulnerable when something bad happens. Maybe they'll be able to hang on to a little more of their humanity than he did.
Bucky runs a hand through his hair, still distracted by their previous thread of conversation.]
I'm not mad. I've just been, I don't know.
[He really doesn't. He keeps trying to find words to describe stuff and comes up totally short.
So he tries to just shrug it off, and act like it's not a big deal.]
Thinking a lot.
Don't worry about it. It is good people care enough to do that. [He's just sorry it's necessary in the first place, and he wishes he'd been stronger or faster or something, because Steve shouldn't have to see that.]
I just don't exactly have a whole lot of experience with hearing about my own grave.
[That at least comes out a little wryly.] Which I guess you probably know all about.
Private
Or the fact that Bucky doesn't even have a grave - it would have been pointless, with no body to bury, although Steve's pretty sure if he'd made it home from the war, he would have seen to it anyway. But there's no body to bury because Bucky's alive, and he can't tell him that, and it all just circles back to the fact that Steve hates keeping something like that from him, but he knows that, just like the wall, knowing that he's alive the way he is won't make Bucky feel better. It'll just make things worse.]
No, it's -
Look, this is stupid - over the network. Where are you?
[He's not sure there's anything else he can say, but suddenly tying to find any words at all over the network when he's taking to his best friend who's on the same ship feels stupid.]
Private
The CES. [He doesn't hesitate, because usually even when he says he wants to be alone, he really means alone plus Steve. If Steve's around and not busy or whatever.] Want me to come find you?
[Even though Steve will probably be able to find him in like, a minute and a half if he really wanted to. He's one hell of a runner and all.]
Private --> spam? :D
Nah - the CES is good. [Not entirely private, but mostly. And maybe getting out of their rooms will be a good thing.] Gimme a minute, I'll be right there.
[Okay, maybe two. But not much more than that.]
spam!!
He's still got his combat uniform on from training that morning, and he's got his M1 with him, which is half out of habit and half because he might not have left the CES after training had ended. On the plus side, he does smile again in a more or less genuine way when he finally spots Steve, and stands up to greet his friend, dusting himself off a little with his free hand.]
Hey. [And once again, he doesn't really know what to say. He's just felt a little off balance ever since this morning, and he has been thinking about this stuff a lot.]
spam!
Steve does have a sneaking suspicion, though, that Bucky's been here since this morning. Not that that's bad. It's just a thing. He's gotten lunch and another workout in - his normal run - but lucky for you, Bucky, he's also showered; now he's just in slacks and a t-shirt.
He was running, but he slows down so he can actually approach at a reasonable pace, once Bucky's in sight.]
Hey. Sorry, that just - seemed kind of silly, you know? [Just because he's used to talking to people over a phone or a computer doesn't mean he likes it as much as the alternative.] Besides, you thinking alone is kind of dangerous.
[He tries to poke fun, gently, because it just feels a little more normal. Even if he's not going to pass this opportunity up, since Bucky actually seems willing to talk - it's just that Steve feels pretty helpless, because he doesn't know how to talk in a way that's actually going to help. He's pretty sure he just proved that, beyond a doubt.] But they say two heads are better than one...
[They clearly never met Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers.]
spam!
Gentle poking fun is totally welcome right now, although in reality, Steve in general is welcome. Even with how everything wound up, somehow it's easy to see himself as kind of lucky, not just to be here and have this second chance, but because his best friend is here too, and Steve knows what it's like to feel out of place and confused, even if he seems like he's coping a lot better than Bucky is.
He's had more time, for one. He's had a couple years, Bucky's only had a few months, and he's got somewhere concrete to go back to after this is over. Bucky doesn't really have a safety net. He's here until he gets his deal, or until he vanishes and winds up back at the bottom of a canyon.
Anyway, he affectionately nudges Steve with his elbow, trying to play it off as normal, too. Sometimes, it feels like pretending to be normal is the only thing keeping everything pinned down.]
Not when you're one of the other two.
[His smile shrinks a little]
Sorry. It's really okay you told me.
[About the memorial. It's just been a strange week. Strange couple months? Both?]
spam!
Steve's... coping. Maybe not better, but in a quieter, different way. He has had some time - even just two years is some distance, whether he means for it to be or not. In a way, it just makes him feel guiltier - he's tried to move one, in large part because other people or his personal sense of duty made him do it, because he can't really be an effective soldier wallowing in the past. But seeing Bucky here, practically living with him again, it's made him want that past back. Want that life back, even though he can't have it. Wishing is dangerous - especially around here - and he's afraid to let himself do it very much.
It still doesn't really keep it from happening. And Steve wishes an awful lot of things. But then he just feels selfish.
So it's nice to snort and roll his eyes when Bucky teases him right back.] Uh-huh. You keep telling yourself I'm the problem.
[Although when Bucky sobers, so does he.
His mouth twists a little, and he give a little half-shrug, like before.] It's - you're not wrong, though, you know. About hearing about your own grave. [Not that either of them has one.] It's... weird.
[Everyone thought he was dead. And then he wasn't. Yeah, he can't explain to Bucky that their circumstances are exactly the same, and he can't pretend to completely understand what Bucky is feeling because of that. But he understands a little.
He's pretty sure it's been a strange couple of years, by this point. Ever since Bucky left with his orders, nothing's been the same. Not that he expected it to be, even then. But he'd never thought it would turn out like this.]
spam!
I bet. [It's hard sometimes to be here, walking around and breathing and eating and sleeping when he knows what happened to him. How could he forget? He woke up here half drowned, with most of his arm ripped off and his head practically bashed in. He's dead. He died. Everything else went on without him.
And he's not sure what to do with it. Sometimes, he doesn't feel all that different, because he can still watch movies and horse around with Steve and take Morgana on a date and play baseball with Ben, but then sometimes, he's hit by how bad things were. Are. Used to be. He has nightmares, he doesn't feel safe without a weapon, he finds himself reaching for his sidearm when someone sneaks up on him.
He's not even especially angry with himself when he catches it happening. This is just how things are for him.]
This whole thing's weird, Steve.
spam!
[Some days... he misses it. But the thing is, he can't wish he'd stayed home in Brooklyn. He'd have gotten some form letter from Phillips that said Bucky was dead, and he wouldn't have known what to do with himself and he would have died a long time ago, believing Bucky was dead, while Bucky would have no one to help him, in the future. He can't wish things were any different, not really. But yeah, some days, he wonders if normal wasn't underrated, once upon a time.
He guesses they've never really been normal, either way, though. But they had their normal, and it could have been enough.] I guess you just find a new normal
[No matter how FUBAR'd things get. Like living in a foxhole on the front or losing your best friend and waking up half a century in the future.]
spam!
And then he'd had to tweak it again when he'd joined the Commandos. And now he's here.
He's not sure how to explain this, but he almost wants to say he doesn't think he knows how to adjust to any new normal that isn't similar to his own version of it now.
He winds up not saying anything instead.]
spam!
And besides, the stuff he doesn't have firsthand experience with? He's at least seen. Or heard firsthand. And he hates that it was Bucky's normal, and that he might even still consider that normal.]
But then you decided to do a tour here.
[And see, the Barge is different. So you can find a better normal. Maybe.]
spam!
I didn't have a hell of a lot of choice, did I? [It's out before he has a chance to catch himself, and immediately, he feels kind of guilty. Kind of a lot guilty, because he doesn't want to make Steve upset or act like it's his fault, because it's not.
It shows in his expression, too. In the way he goes from looking at Steve to glancing quickly away and then back again, with that hesitant frown that means he's thinking over what he wants to say and trying not to put his foot in his mouth.]
Sorry.
spam!
Besides, it's not like it takes very much to remind Steve of why he's here. And he's here because of Bucky, in a way - in a lot of ways. He's here because he messed up and he needs time to work out how he's going to fix it. Only the problem is, with Bucky here...
It's hard to want to go home. And that just makes him feel worse. But then Bucky goes and says that, and Steve's reminded all over again that he's been lying to his best friend ever since he got here, even if it's lying by omission. And it's hard. Especially when he sees Bucky like this, thinking he's dead, thinking it's his fault. It's not Bucky's fault, Steve's damn sure of that.
He thinks he manages to keep the hurt look off his face pretty well, shaking his head.] No, it's -
[He stops. He's not sure he should ask - yeah, the two of them are family, they've been through hell and back, but he's still not sure. Even so, the words seem to come out on their own.] What's your deal? With the Admiral.
[He winces, because maybe that wasn't the best way to ask. But it's out, now. If Bucky doesn't want to answer, he's got to know all he has to do is say so.
But Steve wants to know. Because he knows what he thinks it is. Based on everything he knows about Bucky... he's pretty sure his guess has to be at least partly right.]
spam!
Anyway, Bucky doesn't hesitate, and he doesn't try to tell Steve off for asking. Far from it. He feels like the answer's obvious, and from the way he looks at Steve, it's clear he doesn't think he has anything to hide.]
To survive the fall. [Although whether that means never falling off or just getting picked up and plopped safely in the future or what, he's not sure. He figured he'd talk out the details with the Admiral once Helena graduates. Or something.
Honestly, it's a weird issue to think about, because it's not as simple as him just going home and surviving the war. Hell, even if he survived the train, he could die a week later in some other accident, and then they'd be right back here.]
Which I guess we've gotta talk about, because I don't wanna live through the next couple decades thinking you're dead in some iceberg, somewhere.
spam!
Although it's obvious Bucky showed up here before someone else found him, or they wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place.
At first, he just nods - yeah, that's the answer he was expecting. If their places were reversed, it's exactly what he would ask. But the really, really fucked up thing is that Bucky's asking for something that's going to happen anyway.
Steve has this horrible sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that the Admiral wouldn't correct him, anyway. He'd just give him what he'd asked for - which wasn't giving him anything at all.
But there's always the chance that the Admiral might have a heart, and that he'd change things so that fall never happened, or so that Bucky gets back to the Allies, or... a hundred other things. And that would change everything, and for a second, it's pretty confusing. If Bucky had been alive... would Steve have been so adamant about taking that plane down?
The answer might still be yes. But it's something that he's not sure should change, anyway.] I - yeah. That would be... no. I don't want that.
[That, at least, is the truth.] I guess it was a lot simpler, before I showed up, [he says; his voice is wry, quiet, but the look on his face and the tone of his voice should also say he's not sorry he's here.]
spam!
And there's always the chance he could come back again, make another deal. He's thought about that.
(Or he'd survive because of what HYDRA did to him, but he tries not to put too much faith in that. Or think about it. Even if it's harder here, when he's got evidence that something is really, really wrong with him.)
Bucky manages a small smile when Steve confirms that's not what he'd want, not that he'd doubted it, really, and then he shoves him a little halfheartedly when he continues.]
Well, you better not leave, because I like having you around. Who knows why. [There are a million reasons.
He's quiet for a bit, looking at Steve and trying to figure out how best to resolve this, even though he's tired and in kind of a weird mood, and still not really sure how to actually cope with any of this.
Except it feels like he's coping just fine, sometimes. So he just doesn't really get it.]
So, what do you wanna do?
spam!
Maybe it's just... he needs to hear it, every once a while. It helps, when sometimes he thinks about going home and how lonely it was, and how easily he's fallen back into sharing space with Bucky on the Barge.]
Who knows, [and he's still smiling, for a minute, but then Bucky falls silent, and he asks that question, and yeah, maybe he should have seen it coming, but...
Steve honestly doesn't know.
The smile fades, and it feels like his mind's going in circles. What does he want to do? He doesn't know. He never planned on a miracle. Or an Admiral's deal.
Or two. Because there are two of them.
But that's - wrong, it's the easy way out, and he's got to pay for his mistakes, doesn't he? But Bucky shouldn't, he's sure of that, and if they can work this so Bucky doesn't have to go through what he did...
God. It's tempting. It's so tempting.
But it just feels wrong. The past is the past. How is he supposed to solve things when suddenly he can change that?]
I don't know, [he admits, after what feels like forever. But then, there is one thing he knows, and it comes pretty quickly on the heels of that admission.] I don't want you on that plane with me. Not if it's going down.
[Maybe it's a horrible thing to say. He doesn't even know. But he remembers drowning - vividly. If you honestly want to know what he wants... it's not that for Bucky. Never that. He doesn't even know if Bucky could survive that crash, he still doesn't have enough information on what HYDRA did to him before and what they did to him after. If he woke up alone in the future, just to be told Bucky hadn't made it...
No. He's been through that once. It's not that he thinks falling off a cliff is kinder than going down on that plane. Maybe it's not. But he honestly doesn't know that he could look Bucky in the face and watch him drown, either.
Maybe that just makes him a coward.]
spam!
He knows Steve doesn't mean he wants him to die, or that he doesn't miss him or want him around, because God knows he'd be saying the exactly same thing if their positions were reversed - and he doesn't even know the truth about what happened, that Steve hadn't just been knocked unconscious in the crash and woken up decades later - but he still finds himself glaring at him.]
Maybe I want to be there. [And the thing is? He doesn't want to die again, and he doesn't want Steve to go through losing him again, but he means it. Steve crashing the plane alone in the Arctic upsets him on a level he wasn't sure was possible anymore, not after how beaten down he's become, and it just seems like it would make sense. They were supposed to be in this together.
Except he might die in the crash, and Steve's already been alive for years without him, and is it fair on him to ask him to rewrite that? Probably not.
There's no good answer, and abruptly, he feels just as exhausted and strange as he had when they'd been walking back from the HYDRA factory. Like he's here and alive, but maybe like his body doesn't really belong to him anymore, he's just sort of dazed and along for the ride, wherever they wind up. And that's fine, he can work with it, because God knows he's had to make do with less, but he still finds himself almost wishing he could just crumple on the ground and stay there until he feels like moving again.
He doesn't, though. He's worn out, but he's not broken, and so he just runs a hand through his hair, almost distractedly.]
How'd we get here, Steve? [He's asked something like it before, on a bad day when they'd lost a lot of people - not from the Commandos, thank God, but from one of the companies supporting them - and Bucky had been feeling scared and bitter and desperately sad then, too, except then it had been snowing, dark and miserable, and now they're standing on some grassy hills, with trees rustling in the wind, birds singing, no sign of danger or horror or war. It should be good, he should feel safe, and on some level, he does.
Except he's carrying an M1 and wearing a combat uniform, and Steve's dressed like a civilian. Bucky's still stuck in 1945, and Steve's not, and that's good, but it still hurts.
His mouth still twists into a grin in an attempt to lighten the mood. It looks pained, and probably doesn't really work.] This is so fucked up.
spam!
But that's all part of what he can't tell Bucky, so of course it comes across badly, and he is sorry for that.
Besides… he knows exactly what he'd be saying, in Bucky's place. And it's that he sure as hell would want to be there, too.] I didn't mean it like that, [he says - and he's not being belligerent, the best he can do is sound apologetic, because he is - he just can't explain why.] But I still don't want it to happen.
[He just hates feeling this way - hates not knowing what to do, what to say around Bucky because there are things he can't tell him, and he's honestly never been in this position before. He's never kept something like this (not that anything like this, exactly, has ever been an issue) from him, never not been able to lean on Bucky or let Bucky lean on him.
Well. He can still let Bucky lean on him. Bucky's just too damn stubborn to do it. Because he looks like he could use someone to lean on, about now, but Steve's also afraid that saying that isn't going to get them anywhere.
Bucky's asked that before, sure - and the funny thing is, the answer hasn't changed. So for once, Steve lets himself say what's on his mind, because Bucky doesn't need to know the whole of it. It won't matter - he'll understand in terms of what he does know, when Steve just lets out a tired sigh that sounds a lot more lost than he means for it to, and says,] HYDRA.
[Because that's what it comes down to, isn't it? HYDRA. They were behind nearly everything that changed Steve and Bucky's lives during this war, and they haven't stopped since. Steve feels like they've been hounding him for a lifetime - and they kind of have, if you count those sixty-seven years in between.
They're still doing it, even now - back home, and right here, in the way Bucky's smile is more pained than anything, and that pains Steve. A lot.] I know. It is. It really, really is.
[And maybe Bucky won't let himself crumble - okay, neither will Steve - but he at least goes to sit down, leaning back against one of the trees, because he just can't take standing around anymore. It doesn't really help, but it's not worse, either, and maybe Bucky'll give himself a little break, too, since he's likely been in here since before five this morning.] I really don't know what I want to do. But we've got two deals, between us. We can make this work.
[He's just going to have to be careful about it - about how they figure it out, about steering Bucky in the right direction without letting on about too much. He's never been good at this kind of thing, but he'll give it a shot.
Maybe he should start by being at least as open and honest as he can.] I think that plane needs to go down, Buck. Somehow, some way. But, [he goes on, before Bucky can get any bright ideas about changing the way that happens] I think I've gotta… take that sixty-seven-year nap. I feel like that can't change, either.
[Even if he wouldn't remember things having been different, getting himself sent back to 1945, even a 1945 where Bucky lives seems… wrong, somehow.
Even though he can't help but imagine it, for a second, and it seems like a perfect solution.
Maybe that's why he figures it must be wrong. Life's never perfect, and when you try to make it perfect… it backfires like hell.]
spam!
(Alright, it might not be okay. But they're here, so maybe it will be.)
So his move after that is also more or less predetermined, even if he waits for the other man to settle down before moving. (He glances up at the tree and then over his shoulder before doing it, and he knows why he does, but he pretends it's just a casual thing.) Bucky takes a seat next to Steve and props his rifle against the tree - carefully, because taking care of your weapon is one of the first things you get drilled into your skull during basic and there's some (a lot of) stuff he's never going to be able to shake off - before shifting around a little so his shoulder's pressed up against his friend's, which means Steve's propping him up, too. Or Bucky's trying to prop Steve up.
He listens and nods at the right moments, trying to ignore the steady buzz of frustration and... nerves? that come along with it. It's easier when he focuses his breathing, like he's trying to guide Steve through an asthma attack, or line up a shot through his scope.]
Okay. [The plane has to go down. Steve has to wind up frozen. He can accept that. Of course, it's a hell of a lot easier to since he knows Steve survives anyway.
But he's absolutely not leaving it at that, and the look he levels at his friend is just as stubborn and angry as it always has been in the face of Steve's stupid lack of self preservation.]
Then I'm taking it with you, because there's no way in hell I'm gonna wait until I'm ninety four to go rescue your stupid ass.
[Just the thought of it makes him already feel like he's barely holding it together, because he literally doesn't want to even vaguely consider what life would be like for him after that. The war would be over, but it would have stolen literally everything he had from him, and he just- he can't. He might still be breathing, but he'd still feel dead.]
Besides, [He continues, the anger bleeding out of his voice as he looks away from Steve and back out at the scenery around them. There's something like humor in his voice, but it's almost flat. This really isn't funny at all.] What the fuck would I have to even go back to if you weren't there?
[He doesn't have a job, he doesn't have some girl waiting for him, he doesn't have any other family, not really. He has Steve, and he doesn't know how he's supposed to cope with any of this without him. Sure, he's got other buddies, but it's not the same.]
spam!
Steve doesn't miss the way Bucky glances around before he sits, but he isn't going to call him on it, either. In a way, it's nice to have someone watching his back, and that's what Bucky's always done. And when Bucky wedges his shoulder in up against Steve's, there's an answering weight; if Bucky's propping him up, Steve sure as hell plans to reciprocate.
Maybe it's less that he's not likely to share space as he just needs to be told it's still okay. And right now, it definitely seems okay - which is a relief. A big one. This isn't an easy conversation, and it's harder because Steve's withholding half of it from Bucky. It's his own damn fault, he knows, but it's for the best. Telling Bucky the truth just isn't an option.
He's glad, at least, that Bucky doesn't argue about the plane.
Stupidly enough, it's what Bucky says, about taking that nap with him, that makes him lean his head back and laugh a little. Let Bucky think it's because of the bit about being an old man. Steve's really laughing, helplessly, about the fact that that's exactly what happened, in a twisted way, and it's funny how these things work, isn't it?
He's starting to think that anything Bucky can ask the Admiral for… it's the same thing. It's already happened. He's starting to feel a little backed into a corner, here.] I wouldn't ask you to wait. Patience is not a virtue you possess, pal.
[But what really gets him is what Bucky says last, about going back home, and about what he would go back to.
His mouth just twists for a minute, and he glances at Bucky, nodding vaguely, although he's definitely thinking about something else, just for a minute. Sometime else, when he was sitting in the ruined Stork Club, and staring at a bottle of wine that wasn't having any of the desired effect and wondering just what the hell he was supposed to do now.] Yeah. I know. [I know exactly what you're talking about, stupid, he wants to say, I know because what did I have?
But he can't say that. That's cruel, and he's not cruel. He can't even joke about it.]
Then you don't go home - I mean, not like that, [he finally says.] I just… I think we've got to be careful about this. The Admiral - he's kind of half-cocked, you know? [He tries to laugh a little.] So we can't be.
Which I know is a challenge, for some of us, here.
[Now he does elbow Bucky, gently, but he's talking about them both and Bucky knows it.] I just… I need time to think about it. You need time to think about it. I don't have an answer right now.
[Well, that's why he's here, isn't it? Time. He needs time. Even though he's not sure all the time in the world is ever going to be enough to figure this out, not really.
Because he really, really doesn't know what to do when Bucky's card comes up, when Helena graduates and it's time for him to leave. What is Steve going to say then? Will he have an answer by then? Will it be the right one? Is there a right answer, here? Everything is so fucked up, like Bucky said, and Steve feels a little trapped in his own head, with no one to talk it over with. But that's just the price - and he's willing to pay it.]
spam!
spam!
spam!
Re: spam!
spam!
spam!
spam!
spam!
spam!