punched_hitler | ☆ 6 ☆ (VIDEO)

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☆ 6 ☆ (VIDEO)

So I know it's only been two days, but anyone who's made it through two days of Basic so far - trust me. It could be worse. [He cocks a wry grin. Bucky's not the worst drill sergeant Steve's seen, and besides:] You could have asthma.

[Yeah, he's pretty sure he almost died at least ten times during Basic. And he got the much abbreviated version.

Anyway.]

If anyone's got any questions, or just wants to get in some extra practice with a different face, let me know. But, [he raises one finger,] I'm not your Drill Sergeant, and I'm not about to contradict anything he says just because you want to hear he's wrong - because he's not. [So just keep that in mind. Steve might be helping Bucky, but Bucky's in charge here.]

[PRIVATE TO MINDY MACREADY]
Hey. Just because I'm not your temporary warden anymore doesn't mean we need to ignore each other, right? Remember, I'm right down the hall if you need anything - whether it's a couch or a punching bag. [Literally or figuratively.

Still, he doesn't want to push. She doesn't seem like she'd respond well to that. He can only offer, she's got to take him up on it. So.] Otherwise... I'm sure I'll see you in the gym.

[PRIVATE TO VEX]
[He's seen Vex on the network, but they've never spoken. Now, though, it looks like that's going to have to change.] I guess I should introduce myself - I'm Captain Rogers. Or you can call me Steve. I admit, I don't know much about you - but I'd like to think I'm a pretty good listener.

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[Neither does Bucky, and so while it's probably good that this is all out in the open now, that they can think about it and know it's maybe okay to discuss with each other... it also kind of feels like a conversation that's not going anywhere, and might not come up again until it's either a problem or they have no other choice.

Sometimes, Bucky feels like this is something new, like the war and everything that had happened to them has driven some kind of wedge between them that wasn't there before, but then he remembers stubborn arguments about who could pay for what, and whether or not Steve was well enough to do something, and what fights were worth getting the shit kicked out of you for, and rationalizes maybe it's not that new. They're just different arguments or roadblocks, and they're a little different, too.

So he just takes that all in - I don't have an answer right now - and tries to forget about it. His time on the front lines had taught him that you can't dwell on anything, or it'll start to eat away at you, and he figures that's true about all of this - death, an uncertain future - too.]

Okay. [And that's that. The conversation's over, and he tries to focus on something else.

... Tries.

There are the obvious things - Steve's solid weight pressed up against him, the gentle breeze, the rustling leaves overhead - but it's not really enough to take his mind off it entirely, and it kind of feels like the constantly whirring gears of thought in his head are going to drive him insane.

(Sometimes, he finds himself missing the war. It was easier to keep your mind off things when you had other stuff to be focusing on, a mission to run, a job to do, people to protect. There's too much down time here, and he's not sure what to do with it.)

Bucky stays silent and tips his head back against the tree trunk, letting his eyes dip shut for a moment. He's so friggin' tired.]

[It's a little new, sure - but it's also not. There were plenty of arguments before, but they weren't about the same kinds of things. Their lives weren't the same, and Steve absolutely can't deny that while they're still the same people, underneath… a lot has changed. You can't go through what they have and not be changed by it. He knows that much. But he's done his best to stay the person that Erskine decided deserved that serum, and he's doing his best, now, to remember how to be Bucky's best friend. He never stopped being that, honestly. He's just been on his own, for a while. He's just gotten used to having nobody - no family - left.

But that's not true anymore - back home, or here. He's still got Bucky, and he'll do whatever it takes to keep him. He glances over, when Bucky's been quiet for a minute, and can't help but smile a little, feeling maybe slightly triumphant that he got Bucky to sit down and close his eyes, even if he doesn't feel triumphant that he needed to in the first place. Bucky's had a couple of rough nights - Steve can't help but notice, they're sleeping in the same space - but he figures it'll pass.

Even so.] Hey, [he says - trying to keep it quiet, because he figures Bucky doesn't need to open his eyes, he can rest and listen at the same time.] They've… uh. They've learned a lot about how to get used to living in a place that's not the front lines, by 2014.

[He winces a little - that sounded pretty pathetic. And it's not as though Steve's taken advantage of that. Or knows what exactly it entails, past stopping by that one session of Sam's. But he still knows it's fact. And that maybe it could help Bucky, if he's really having bad nightmares. If he's really going to keep running himself ragged just because he doesn't know what else to do with himself.

(It never actually strikes Steve that these are all things he does, but it's always easier to see them in someone else, isn't it?)]

[Bucky does crack open his eyes briefly to glance at Steve when he first tries to get his attention back, but since it doesn't seem like some pressing issue, he lets them dip shut again. He's not planning on sleeping, but taking it easy doesn't exactly sound like a terrible idea right now, and it's nice to be outside instead of cooped up, even if any snap of a twig will probably make him want to jump up and grab his rifle.

(It's irritating, actually, that he's been throwing himself into this stupid fake Basic, and he's still sleeping badly. He'd kind of been hoping he'd be wearing himself up enough with long days and physical activity to at least sleep a little bit sounder at night.)

In any case, Steve's comment strikes him as... well. More than a little awkward, because obviously he's going somewhere with this and it doesn't take a genius to figure out where, but still. C'mon, Rogers, be a little more subtle.

Bucky just raises his eyebrows in mock surprise, without opening his eyes.]

Oh yeah?

[Where are you going with this, Steve?]

[Yeah, okay - he knows he's being far from subtle. But subtle's never really been his style - why do you think he came home with so many bloody noses? Even so, he's trying to approach this carefully, because who wants to hear they're doing a crappy job at civilian life, especially when they're not a civilian anymore in their head?

Bucky's not a civilian - neither is Steve - and he doesn't expect either of them to really, truly act like one. Maybe they never will again. But Bucky seems to have a harder time of it, and maybe it's because he didn't wake up and hear that the war was over in the same, concrete way Steve did. When Bucky goes back, the war will still be on. It's not over for him - not really, not even though he thinks he's dead.

When Steve woke up... the war was half a century in the past. There was no going back. He had to accept it and move on, and SHIELD at least gave him that time. Or tried to, before Loki showed up with his alien army in tow.

So he rolls his eyes at Bucky's expression, even if Bucky's eyes are still closed, because yeah, he can read it, plain as day. And he knows he's doing a piss-poor job at this. But that doesn't stop him.] Yeah. I mean, I'm just saying... being a soldier on the front lines is different than being a soldier in a civilian city during peacetime. [Which is what Captain America is, these days.

A pause.] It's kinda different than being a soldier on a prison barge, too. [And that's what they both are, now. He tries to sound wry, teasing, at least.] Even though it's pretty hard to turn your instincts off.

[Or you don't want to. Steve has this bad feeling that Bucky won't let himself - and it might be because Steve's here. If Bucky's still trying to watch his back, he's never going to give himself a break.

But he doesn't think it's necessarily all about that, either. Bucky's always had his back. just not always with a rifle and scope.]

Edited 2014-09-09 03:53 (UTC)

[It's not even necessarily that. Some stuff just becomes so deeply engrained in you, you're never going to be able to fully shake it off. He'll probably always be a little uncomfortable around doctors, the same way he'll always look at a new environment and see good positions for sniper's nests and mortar positions, the same way he'll probably always hoard a little extra nonperishable food at the back of the pantry (or in this case, his closet), because growing up poor in the Depression fucks you up the same way being in a world war does.

Sure, protecting Steve and protecting other people comes into play too, but some of it is just learned survival skills. He's reluctant to give them up because dropping your guard means you get killed, and he's not entirely convinced this place is that much different from a "safe" space during the war.

You could still get shot or blown up somewhere "safe", and you can still get murdered, here.

So he doesn't open his eyes, but he does frown a little, looking somewhere between annoyed and trying to be unfazed by the discussion, and folds his arms over his chest. It does look a little defensive, or self protective.]

If this is about the kids whining I'm too hard on them during training, I told them they can quit whenever they want.

[He has a feeling it's not that, though.

Unless you talked to Lydia, and she blabbed that he's totally ready and willing to kill that damn vampire if it comes to that. And Bucky's pretty sure it will.

In either case, he's getting less and less sure he likes where this is going.]

[Some things do become ingrained. It's the same for Steve - he always makes the bed, because that's what you did in the orphanage, and his apartment's pretty plain and empty because even though he gets a decent salary, he doesn't think about spending it on anything other than necessities, maybe a book or a movie now and again. Honestly, some part of him still has a hard time trusting banks.

And some of Bucky's habits are ones that he shares; he still jumps at shadows every once in a while, and he ends up sleeping on the couch or in a chair nearly half as often as he sleeps in the bed.

But it's different, still. He's not as on-edge as Bucky is, and he doesn't carry weapons. Maybe part of that is because he is a weapon, but not all of it. Working for SHIELD, he's gotten more used to the idea of a mission being a mission, and home being home - and safe. And he maybe gets off a little easy, trusting to peak human senses and reflexes, rather than simple hyper-vigilance.

It all just serves to make him painfully aware of how easy he has had it, over Bucky. And he's not sure how to even the playing field, or if he ever can.]

It's not about the kids, [he says, slow but sure.] It's about - look, I had to re-learn some things, after they woke me up. [And learn a lot of new things, to boot - although maybe that actually made it easier. He'll never know.] You're a warden here, Buck. It's just… not quite the same as active duty.

[Maybe not a lot different, either. But not entirely the same.

And he's really not sure he's doing this right at all, in the first place. Bucky looks more defensive than anything, and that's the last thing Steve wants - to get his hackles up.]

[Unfortunately, he does get his hackles up, because that's pretty much the worst thing he could have said, maybe even after "I think you're dealing with pretty bad shellshock", because that at least Bucky could've laughed off with a comment like "so's everyone else", because it's true. No one wasn't fucked up by what they saw, and did, and everything.

So Bucky opens his eyes, turns his head, and while he's not quite glaring, his brow's furrowed and he's frowning, and the whole thing adds up to looking kind of ticked off.]

I know, Steve. [Did he talk to Lydia? Is this going to be a rehash of that conversation, of how Bucky's not, and won't ever be sorry for the things he had to learn to do because it kept people safe] I'm not stupid.

[Part of him wants to say more. Wants to say he knows they're not the same, but they're not that different, either. He doesn't remember much about his time here before, but he knows he died, and he knows it wasn't pretty. That because they weren't prepared, he and Ben had gotten captured, and a lot of people had gotten hurt. You can't afford to let your guard down, not even here, and he's tired of being treated like he's the one who did something wrong, who's doing something wrong.

He's not. He's doing what he has to to keep himself and other people alive, and he's not going to apologize for it. And he's sure as hell not going to explain himself to anyone about it, not even Steve.

So he clams up instead. He closes his eyes, turns away again, and doesn't say anything else, except the lines of tension around his face don't go away. Of course, he doesn't get up and leave, either, but he's definitely kind of pissed.]

[Steve cringes inwardly - so much so that it's probably impressive he didn't cringe physically, too. Way to go, Rogers. He's never been one for subtle, least of all around Bucky, and sometimes... it kind of hinders more than helps, even if he's always been an honest, open guy. Some things, you've just got to approach more carefully, and that's sometimes a challenge.

Especially with regard to Bucky.

But for once, Steve knows when to back off. He doesn't want to - hell no, he really, really doesn't want to - but if he's learned anything from watching Sam Wilson at work, it's that sometimes, barreling right in just isn't the answer. Sometimes, it's a waiting game.

He's willing to wait for Bucky forever, back home. So he's willing to wait forever for Bucky here, too. Even if he knows he isn't going to wait forever before trying to bring this up again. The way he's acting isn't doing Bucky any favors, but pointing out that hey, the war is over for you, too, only rubs his face in something that Steve's already feeling horrible enough about. So for once in his life, he drops it, and just says, carefully - but not patronizingly,]

I never said you were.

[He can pretty much feel the tension radiation off of Bucky; Steve just nudges his shoulder, and doesn't get up, but doesn't say anything else.]

Edited 2014-09-20 21:01 (UTC)

[He knows. Really, Bucky knows Steve didn't mean any harm, that he's just trying to look out for him, and in some ways, Bucky knows he's probably right, because there's something that broke in him a long time ago, and he's not sure it'll ever really heal.

But it still rubs him the wrong way, because it's easier to pretend like nothing's wrong, that he's totally fine, and he doesn't want anyone treating him differently. Especially not Steve.

So several seconds later, Bucky elbows him in return. The gesture might be a little half hearted, but it happens, and Bucky still doesn't get up to leave, either, so hopefully, things are okay.

(They have to be okay. He really doesn't know what he'll do if they're not.)][It's a further attempt at a peace offering, because if Steve wants to get food or do something else as a distraction, he's up for it. But he'll also sit here forever if that's what Steve wants to do.]

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☆ 6 ☆ (VIDEO)

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