punched_hitler | For all of us who've seen the light

"Right," Steve said, trying to follow along. Psychology wasn't his strong point, but he could understand what the doctor was saying. "Well, you're welcome to speak with him - when I see him next," he said, wishing that was now, that Bucky wasn't in there somewhere, suffering, while someone else, someone Steve didn't know, sat in the driver's seat.

He did frown when the doctor told him that the best course of action was to leave Bucky alone. No, he didn't want to do that, but... "Do you think that's best? I - guess I should trust your judgement," he said, with a sigh. "We can leave him alone. He's safe here, at least. We can take care of him as long as we need to." Finding Bucky had been his goal - now helping him was. Steve had nothing else to do, not with SHIELD still in the process of rebuilding. Slowly.

"If we isolate him, we can see if the personality switches happen on their own, or if they're something we can initiate or even control." There was the sound of rustling papers from the other end of the line. "I took the chance to look up Sergeant Barnes's paperwork. You're listed as his next of kin. In this case, as he is not in full control of himself and is struggling with severe mental and physical trauma, it would be my professional opinion that all medical decisions would lie with you. I can of course recommend not complete isolation but a severe cutback on interaction, and observation. But the decision is yours to make. If you choose not to go down that path, I would of course be willing to provide assistance where and how I could."

Dr. Goss sighed. "But it's entirely possible the Soldier personality, knowing that he's essentially under attack, could become more and more violent to the point that he would hurt himself in an attempt to keep you or Sam from interfering. Psychotherapy with the Bucky personality and isolation of the other two may be enough to bring your friend back to the fore, enough to keep him in control and possibly subdue the others. But it's hard to say."

[We can skip a while ahead, if you wanna!]

Edited 2014-06-04 23:51 (UTC)

Hearing he was basically Bucky's next of kin wasn't surprising, but it still hit something in Steve's gut that felt like he'd had all the breath knocked out of him. He and Bucky were family, and he liked it that way, it was just... strange, hearing it put like that. And almost a little frightening - what if he made the wrong decision? What if he did the one thing that would drive Bucky away?

But he wasn't the doctor - and what Dr. Goss was saying did make sense. "I... hate the idea of leaving him completely alone," he said, after a minute. "But I see the sense in what you're saying. I think... even if we don't leave him completely along, cutting back on the amount of time someone spends in there is a good idea." He didn't have to like it, but it was a good idea. "If you could... honestly, Doctor, any help you can give us would be appreciated. This isn't my field. I don't know how to help him, and I don't want to make it worse."

[ooc: Ooh, yes! Poor Bucky, his life's gonna kind of suck for a while (ahaha, not that it hasn't already)]

"I'll start making arrangements to try and come down here. I just received an email from Mr. Stark with an itinerary." There was the sound of keys clacking on a keyboard and she continued, "Right now I'm teaching and don't have any patients. My TAs can take care of matters for me, so long as I continue to check in with them and provide lesson plans."

-

Almost a week passed before Dr. Goss could arrive, with the Soldier mostly in control. He spent his time sitting still on the bed, doing endless pushups and crunches, or pacing the small cell. Bucky was largely absent, though he seemed to understand why they were isolating him. The mirror stayed a mirror.

The third personality, the Soldier just after a wipe, had stayed gone, though the Soldier was warier than ever and mostly communicated in Russian the few times he spoke, face pressed against the mirror like he could see beyond it.

Dr. Goss stepped off the plane in a whirlwind of luggage and curly brown hair. She immediately crossed to Sam to give him a hug then offered her hand to Steve. "Captain Rogers. Glad to finally meet you in person." With her other hand she tugged her hair back.

It had been a long, hard week for Steve. He felt helpless to really help, and he was afraid to even really speak to Bucky much when he did seem in control, for fear that it would tip the Soldier off to something that he shouldn't know. He wasn't a professional, so all he could do was wait for one to arrive. All he'd been able to do was recover from the last of his injuries, spend time with Sam (not that that was unpleasant) and try to keep getting along with Stark. They were, after all, still using his facility.

He let Dr. Goss hug her former patient, then reached out to shake her hand when she reached for his. "It's nice to meet you too, Doctor. Thanks for coming out here." It really meant a lot to him, he hoped she could understand that.

"No problem." She adjusted her bag at her side. "Let's get down there to see Bucky then, shall we? No point in waiting around." She smiled and let Sam lead the way.

The Soldier was pacing the length of his cell when he heard a door open and muffled voices. He lifted his head. He had learned how to tell Rogers's voice from Wilson's from Stark's and the one he heard now wasn't any of those. It was higher, feminine.

He stopped and turned, facing the mirror.

Dr. Goss stopped when they entered the observation room. The man beyond the glass in the small, bright cell was looking at the mirror, like he knew they were there. "Is this him? How do you tell who's who?"

Steve brought up the rear, following Sam and the doctor down to the level where they were holding Bucky - the Soldier. He could tell by the way the man held himself that it wasn't Bucky, and his face fell a little. He was always disappointed, somehow, when he saw that face and knew it wasn't his friend who was looking out at him. "It's not Bucky," Steve said quietly. "It's that Soldier - the one who's mostly in charge." The one who didn't want to give him Bucky back, the one that wanted to kill him. "Bucky's a lot more relaxed," Steve went on. "And if he sensed there was a girl around... well, he'd be hitting on you through the glass."

She smiled. "Glad to hear the history books got some things right." She set her bag down on the table and opened it, finding an audio recording in the neatly organized files.

The Soldier stepped towards the glass, and paced like a caged tiger. They were isolating him on purpose - Rogers obviously wasn't able to stay away even if he had almost been killed twice in this very cell. Now there was another person - a woman. He spoke to his own reflection, "Send her in, Rogers. I'll tear your little shrink to pieces."

JARVIS, wisely, did not translate.

"Every once in a while," Steve agreed, smiling a little despite everything.

He didn't know what the Soldier said, but it didn't sound very friendly. He frowned, shaking his head, then looking over to Sam and Dr. Goss. "I don't think you should go in there with him like this. You can talk to him through the glass, but..." He was dangerous. Steve did know that much for a fact.

"Believe me, I don't want to do in there with him, either." She smiled and set the recorder down on the table. "I'm more than happy to stay out here." She pulled a chair over closer to the glass, near the intercom button. She reached over and pressed it and asked, "Do you understand me?"

The Soldier jumped as he was spoken to directly for the first time in a week and his lip curled, turning in the direction he knew the intercom button was. "You send a woman to try and tame me?" He turned his head and spat, walking to the other end of the cell and putting his back to Dr. Goss.

Sam sighed. "He's been like this for a couple days. He understands us, and speaks in English, but only when nobody's around."

Steve nodded - well, she'd already seemed like a smart woman. Now he was sure of it.

Of course, the Soldier wasn't having any of it. He had to suspect something, after being left alone for so long. "I think he's afraid," Steve said quietly. "He's fighting for his life, in a way." But it wasn't his life to have. It was Bucky's life, and he deserved it back. "JARVIS can translate, but... you might not actually want to know what he's saying. Either way... he's got to know something is up."

Dr. Goss nodded. "I can't blame him for being afraid. As far as he's concerned, he's the owner of the body and we're trying to kill him." She pressed the intercom again and asked, "Can I speak to Bucky?"

The Soldier spun and lunged, slamming his fist into the glass. He hissed, "Bucky Barnes is dead. He's dead, Steve killed him. I killed him. You can't have him."

Dr. Goss didn't seem phased. "Then will you talk to me? What's your name? What should we call you?"

"Tools don't have names. Do you name your pen? Your paper?"

"You must realize you're human, though."

The Soldier glared through the glass at a point just over Steve's shoulder then retreated to the bed, yanking the blanket up over him. It was the only place he could go in the cell that he was unable to block their sight of him, even if it left him vulnerable.

"Do you have the activator switch for his collar?" She kept her finger on the intercom. It didn't matter if she actually got the switch or not.

The Soldier sat back up, obvious fear on his face at the threat of being shocked. "What do you want?"

Dr. Goss smiled. "What do you call yourself?"

"They never gave me a name."

"When you think of yourself, what name do you use? Do you use a name?"

"I'm the Asset, the Soldier. I don't have a name, I'm not a human." He clenched his hand in his blanket hard enough that if he had been doing it with his metal arm, the blanket would be in shreds of wool.

"Right," Steve hummed, looking unhappy, but he was still hopeful. This would help - this had to help. She was a professional, and she'd know how to handle the situation. That was what mattered, because Steve would never admit defeat, but he would and could admit when he needed help. And he needed help in handling this situation, because while he was smart and he could analyze any situation, his analysis told him that he wasn't smart enough to figure this out on his own.

He saw the way the doctor kept her finger on the intercom when she asked for the switch, and he nodded before saying out out, "I do. It's right here." He held it up - of course the Soldier couldn't see it, but Steve assumed he'd know Steve wasn't lying. He wouldn't use the thing - not unless it was absolutely necessary - but he still had it. As a safeguard. And it seemed to work - that got more cooperation out of the Soldier than they had all week, which made Steve hopeful that maybe this really would work... whatever this was.

"What would you like to be called? I'm not calling you 'The Asset.'" Dr. Goss winked at Steve then watched the Soldier sit on the bed, obviously thinking.

"I don't want a name."

"Do you want me to make it an order?"

The Soldier's face pinched and he said, "In the beginning. When they were..." He hesitated, obviously reluctant. The memories he was dragging up now he shouldn't have had, they should have been long erased. "I was called Yasha... I suppose you would say James." He glanced up then back down, shoulders coming forward as he hunched protectively. His breathing was shallow, like he was anticipating pain but wasn't able to keep himself from reacting. He had no identity, no name.

The only thing that was making him talk was the threat of being shocked.

Dr. Goss removed her finger from the intercom, then stood. "We're going to leave him alone for a while," she said, in nearly a whisper so the Soldier wouldn't be able to tell they were talking. She stepped away, out of the observation room, beckoning for Steve to follow. "We want to tie the Soldier personality - Yasha, I suppose - to Bucky's. If we can get him identifying as a person, and as a part of Bucky, then he may just go willingly. Trying to merge the two personalities, though..."

She hesitated. "It's possible that the stress of all those memories and knowing what he's done, could lead Bucky to a psychotic break, after we turn Yasha and Bucky into one person, with one personality. If we leave it like this, though, Yasha will likely become more and more dominant and Bucky may never resurface. You would lose your friend forever."

Dr. Goss looked back into the room, at the Soldier who had relaxed just a fraction and was staring at his hand in his lap, inspecting every inch of skin like he was seeing it for the first time. "You may be able to forge a relationship with Yasha, but it would be... Well. You know him better than I do. It's possible, with time, he would become less aggressive, but I don't think he would ever be safe enough to leave the cell."

"It's up to you. Do you think Bucky would rather live with memories of so much death, or the oblivion of losing himself? It's not an easy choice, you should take some time to think about it, I think." She smiled and touched Steve's arm then stepped back. "We just can't let Yasha know about our plan."

Sam crossed to Steve, not sure if Steve wanted his support or not.

The name James gave Steve a little jolt - that was... good, wasn't it? It meant this Soldier knew, in a way, who he'd been. But then he had to put his concentration into what the doctor was telling him, because that was more important. She was in charge here, as far as he was concerned. Although he wasn't sure how much he liked what she had to say.

And when she said it was up to him... that truly game him pause. Up to him? Hadn't he already done a pretty terrible job at making the right decisions to keep his best friend alive? He'd left Bucky to die, and then he hadn't looked for him, and then he hadn't been able to help him when he'd resurfaced. It was... a lot to think about, and the guilt was probably more than a little evident on his face. In fact, he felt a little like he was drowning. On the one hand, he wanted Bucky back, no matter the cost. But what would Bucky think about that cost? On the other.. was it fair to leave this Soldier, who was at least partly Bucky, to live in a cell like a caged animal for the rest of his life?

There was no easy answer. "I - yeah. I will need some time to think about it," he said absently, because he already was thinking about it, and he still didn't know what he wanted to do. He glanced at Sam, unconsciously reaching for his hand. That support would, actually, be welcome.

She smiled. "Take the time you need, Steve. We can't wait too long, but don't feel hurried to make a decision. She touched Steve on the shoulder then returned to the glass, silently watching the Soldier sit on the bed and stare into space.

Sam took Steve's hand, then folded his other hand around Steve's. "If you want my advice, I'll give it to you, Steve, but it's still your decision to make." It was a big decision. Sam didn't envy Steve at all, though truthfully he really never had.

Edited 2014-06-07 04:51 (UTC)

He nodded. "I won't take too long." After all... maybe making a quicker decision would be best. Go with his gut feeling, and hope that it worked out. He glanced over at the Soldier, then at Sam, smiling faintly.

"I'm not opposed to hearing all the advice I can take," he said, trying to keep up that smile, though he was feeling pretty lost. Honestly, though, that was the best thing about Sam - he treated Steve like just another guy. Oh, sure, they joked around, but Sam had never been jealous or envious and that was good, because Steve really didn't think he had all that much to envy. Especially not at the moment.

Sam nodded. "Why don't we go upstairs?" It would probably be better for Steve to not have to look at Bucky while making the decision. Sometimes distance from a situation was the best thing.

He started to back up the stairs, hoping Steve would follow. "Dr. Goss will be fine here."

Steve sighed - but Sam was right. "Yeah. Upstairs," he agreed, glancing one more time through the one-way mirror at the Soldier sitting on the bed. He knew that he wouldn't be able to think about anything objectively down here, though he wasn't sure whether putting any distance between himself and this room would help. But it didn't seem like a bad option.

He nodded to the doctor, following Sam up the stairs, still lost in thought and his gut roiling with the idea of making such an important decision for Bucky without his input. That didn't sit right with him, but what else could he do?

Sam led Steve to the couch, feeling like he was guiding a lost man. Maybe he was. He sat and tugged on Steve's hand, urging him to sit. He rubbed the back of Steve's hand with his other hand. He didn't want to speak too much, willing to let Steve talk first.

He did wonder, though, if there would be a way for Bucky to take control like Dr. Goss feared the Soldier would. If it would leave Bucky as just himself, with no memory of what had happened in the past seventy years. He sighed and lifted Steve's hand to his mouth, kissing his fingers as a way to calm himself and hopefully Steve down.

Edited 2014-06-08 22:57 (UTC)

Leading a lost man was probably about right. Steve just followed along, letting Sam tug him in any direction he wanted. When he sat on the couch... it was really more like collapsing onto it.

He was silent for a long moment, lost in his thoughts. Probably a couple of moments, really, before he managed to look back up at Sam. "I... know what I want to do... but I'm not sure if that's just being selfish," he finally said, smiling faintly, almost as an afterthought, as Sam's lips touched his fingers - it was comforting, and he appreciated it. Very much. "But I want to give Bucky the chance he deserves."

At least, the chance he thought Bucky deserved. "I mean... I want him back. But I don't know if... that's what he'd want. I think so. It's his body. His life. Shouldn't he be the one to have it?"

Sam nodded. "You know him the best of any of us. If any of us would know what he would do, it would be you." He watched Steve for a moment.

Then he straightened up. "I actually watched Riley die right in front of me. In midair. Do you know..." His breath caught. "There was blood, everywhere. It was all over me. I went back and it looked like I'd been bathing in tomato juice, or something.

"I know it's not the same as what Bucky's been through. That much pain and death... But if anybody could bring him back after that, it would be Dr. Goss. She did it for me. Managed to patch me up so I'm a somewhat functional human being again. It took a long, long time and I still have nightmares." Sam was quiet for a long few moments. "But it's your decision to make."

He sure as hell would never trust the Soldier, though. Knew that if they went that way, he would be confined to a cell for the rest of his life, and who knew how long that would be, after what Zola did to him.

But Sam also knew what intense trauma did to people. Knew the stories of prisoners of war, knew how few came back from that. He knew how many veterans were lost to suicide or alcohol or drugs. How many went homeless or were abandoned by their families. "It won't be easy, either way."

"I know him best," Steve echoed, feeling like right now, he didn't know him at all. But that was because of the Soldier, he knew - when Bucky had reappeared, he had been the same old Bucky, Steve's best friend, the only family he had left, and it had been harder and harder each time he'd been ripped away.

However, Sam's words did manage to break Steve out of his thoughts, even just for a moment. He glanced at Sam, frowning slightly, feeling like... no, Sam didn't have to tell him this. But if Sam felt it was important for him to know -

"Sam - I'm sorry," he said, moving so that Sam wasn't just holding his hand, but Steve was holding Sam's, back. "I'm sorry, I've been - kind of ignoring you," he finally managed. "And you've... you know exactly how I feel." Only... maybe not exactly, because Bucky was here, not dead, but Steve had thought Bucky was dead, and that was at least sort of the same thing. Similar, at the least. "I have nightmares where I see Bucky fall from that train, over and over," Steve said quietly. "I can remember it perfectly - I can't forget it." He physically wasn't capable of forgetting it, not now that it was etched into his super-soldier-enhanced memory. "I can't... I can't do that to him again. I've got to try to bring him back. At least give him the choice. Because living in a cell... that's not living. Not for Bucky, and not for that Soldier, either." He paused, adding - this time with conviction - "I think if it came down to that, we'd both rather he be dead."

But only if it actually came down to that. And he prayed it wouldn't.

"Nothing is ever easy," he said. "Nothing worth having. It's always hard. That's - okay with me. I've never been one to take the easy way out." He smiled, just a little, finally, at Sam. "I'm sure you know that by now."

Edited 2014-06-09 05:06 (UTC)

Sam smiled back, then nodded. "Alright. Yeah, I do know that if there's an easy way, you'll climb a mountain to get there instead." Steve's hand was wrapped around his now as well. The reassurance was nice. He knew he would do the same thing Steve was doing now. If there had been the slightest chance of bringing Riley back, he would have done it, no matter the cost.

"JARVIS, will you tell Dr. Goss?"

"Of course, right away," came the reply.

"Good." Sam smiled. He leaned in, one hand going to Steve's thigh as he went in for a kiss. They hadn't done much of anything together besides kissing since they'd arrived here, but Sam was hoping they could maybe change that, before they were once again absorbed in helping Bucky.

"Yeah, I'm a little stubborn like that," Steve tried to laugh, though it came out just a little flat. But it was true. And somehow, the fact that Sam understood his decision - and didn't try to talk him out of it - made him feel a lot better about it. Maybe Sam would have supported him either way, but he liked to think that if Sam really thought he was going to do the wrong thing, he'd have said something. His genuine support means everything in the world to Steve, just now.

And once the decision is made, Steve actually relaxes, just a little. Oh, the hard part isn't over, but at least he's made a decision, one he can at least feel is the right one. He leaned back into the couch a little, eyes starting to flutter closed (out of relief, not exhaustion) when Sam leaned closer, making Steve's lips quirk up just a little. "I... was supposed to make some stuff up to you," he said quietly - and he probably hadn't gotten much of a chance. "Is late better than never?" He had a feeling Sam wouldn't exactly say no.

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