The Last Voyages: Pairing Info

[punched_hitler]

Character Name: Steve Rogers
Character Journal: punched_hitler
Status: Warden
Pairing Information:



While Steve acknowledges that he has to work within the current structure of the Barge, he will do everything he can to do that work on his own terms. He is a bit of an unconventional warden, in that he doesn't have a deal and doesn't actually trust the Admiral, believing his system is flawed. His lack of a deal is just part of the way he wants to show that he has no skin in the game but that which he chooses to put in it.

After his own graduation, there is a lot Steve is still struggling with, himself. But some of these struggles are what he can offer an inmate, too. He still feels like he's more of an inmate than a warden and still very much subscribes to the attitude that some wardens are here to get what they want, rather than to genuinely help. He definitely wants to do the latter (hence, no deal) and will do what he can to step into the responsibility of the role he now has — at least, the responsibility he believes he has. Steve will do his best to look after people and make sure inmates aren't falling through the cracks — i.e., feeling ignored, disconnected, or gaslit. While he has no patience for those who are violent for violence's sake, he also understands that violence can be a cry for help or an attempt to seek justice for oneself or others.

Steve is not the most engaged with the community as a whole and doesn't always check the network, but he will prioritize face-to-face meetings and interactions, as he feels they're more genuine. He is also focused on doing more specifically for the inmates, including providing safe spaces for them (not that he'd call it that) and protecting those who are most vulnerable (physically and mentally), while not committing himself to helping only one person at a time. He's not very good at focusing on the small scale, but he can still see and address details others might miss. He will be more of an active warden, checking in regularly and toeing the line between giving someone privacy and not letting them wallow. He understands the need for time to yourself as well as the desire to withdraw, and is trying to learn the right balance of drawing someone out and letting them be. He will work hard to earn trust and to keep it, and is very good at small kindnesses (as well as big actions) when someone needs it. He is by no means a mental health professional and actually doesn't believe in therapy, but he does believe in offering a shoulder and putting his promises into action.

While I think he'd be best with someone who is struggling with moral issues (or at least needs a little moral help), it doesn't mean he wouldn't be a good warden for other types of inmates. He can also help someone deal with issues of power (or lack thereof), although I don't think he'd be a great match for someone who's necessarily power-hungry or manipulative. But anyone who doesn't trust what's going on, who doesn't like the system, or who is feeling defeated without seeing the point of graduation might benefit from what he has to offer. He understands the Barge is very much a cage for some, and won't simply spout meaningless platitudes about it — he will instead work with an inmate to try to address why they feel trapped. (I can't necessarily guarantee it will be in a healthy way, either — but I can promise he will care enough to mean what he says and do what they both think is best for his inmate.)


[I know the cut text is a Peggy quote but you know what, it's appropriate for Steve right now and maybe even shows he's learning!]

Comments

v 1.0 | Plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth

[punched_hitler]

Thanks to his experiences on the Barge, Steve has become pretty disillusioned with the system and, notably, the guy in charge. He’s also begun to have doubts about the motivations of the wardens - where once he saw a group of people with the ultimate goal of helping anyone in need, he’s now starting to see largely ranks of those who’d rather help themselves and those they know.

All in all, he is not going to be an easy person to graduate. While he does actually believe in the concepts that underlie the Barge’s purpose, he’s not willing or interested in playing into a flawed system any longer, and he honestly doesn’t necessarily see it as a system that can benefit him in the first place. It’s not that he doesn’t accept that he has flaws - he does know he has them - it’s that he doesn’t want help dealing with them. He also doesn’t want help with his goals of overthrowing the Admiral and making the Barge a better place, which haven’t disappeared. After his mutiny and demotion, however, he’s not willing to risk others’ lives for his cause anymore. The more he cares about someone, the less likely he’s going to be to want them involved. He wants to go it alone.

Essentially, Steve has planted himself like a tree - he’s taken his stand, and he’s not backing down. He doesn’t believe in the Admiral, and he doesn’t believe that the wardens have their heads on straight. He’s not going to (easily) hear arguments otherwise, and most of all, he’s going to dig himself in and fight back against any opposition because the fight and his belief that the Barge needs to be fixed are all he has left.

(And he’s probably going to get worse before he gets better.)

Because of all this, Steve’s going to need a warden that’s willing to play an active role in his life - that doesn’t necessarily mean active wardening in the sense of consciously trying to get him to graduate, but more as a steady source of support and a genuine physical presence. He has a very hard time asking for help in general, and most of all when it comes to something personal like the loss of direction and general depression he’s been dealing with.

His warden is going to have to offer support and help unasked, and maybe even force it on him from time to time. His warden will also need the ability to (eventually) see through his bullshit and call him on it - and keep calling him on it, no matter how hard he digs in. Getting him to admit he’s tired and depressed will be a huge chunk of moving him toward graduation, though it’s not the end-all of the work he’ll need to do.

What Steve needs to learn could probably fill a library, but to graduate, there are a few salient points. He needs to re-learn what it is to work with a team and why he needs the support of others, instead of trying to go it alone. He needs to learn how to fight for what he believes without losing himself in the process; he’s taken that first step, by essentially giving up Captain America back home, but it’s only a first step, and it’s stalled on the Barge. He also needs to learn the value of his own life, and more than that, the value of his own feelings. He’s tired, he’s run down, he’s discouraged, but he won’t let himself acknowledge any of that. He’s also forgotten what it’s like to be truly happy, maybe partly because he thrives on being useful, on taking action, and on being seen for who he really is, be it underneath the title of Cap or the front he puts up for the world.

Steve has always, always been willing to throw his life in for a cause, for a friend, for a stranger. He needs to learn to let at least part of that cause be himself, and he needs to learn that he can live - and maybe even be happy - with that.

v 2.0 Whatever it takes

[punched_hitler]

Character Name: Steve Rogers
Character Journal: punched_hitler
Status: Inmate
Pairing Information:

Steve is so, so close to graduation, and yet still so, so far. He's basically on the right path, just struggling toward the end in fits and starts and stalling out every time he gets close. Some of that might be a little intentional - he doesn't want to graduate, doesn't want to go home and live through the things he knows are going to happen. He also doesn't want to graduate and be a warden in the traditional sense, working within a system he still thinks is less than ideal. So he's just stuck in a perpetual loop of subconsciously pulling himself back from the edge because he's mentally and emotionally exhausted and staying put seems like the easiest, most straightforward choice. But the truth is, he wants to go home, to a place and time and people that he thinks don't exist anymore. I think he needs to learn that the world-moving effort he would put into getting those things for anyone else is something he can put toward himself, too.

I think what Steve would need is an active, involved warden who's not willing to let him just flounder forever, but who also understands and appreciates that he's scared and tired and hurt. Steve doesn't do things because you tell him to; he does things because he thinks they're right, and probably one of the last things he needs to learn is that it's right to want a life for himself, whatever that life may look like. It doesn't mean he has to stop fighting entirely - but fighting and bravery can look like a lot of things on himself, and not just the self-sacrifice he's come to believe is the best and maybe only option. Being on the Barge for so long has stripped him of a purpose in a lot of senses, because the system won't change and there's no one, really, to fight. So he feels a lot like little tiny Steve Rogers back in Brooklyn before the war, and that's a feeling he really hates. Steve is definitely the kind of person who would benefit from believing in his warden's deal as much as they do, and wanting to help them get that deal and finding a way to be a support for his warden would help restore that sense of purpose for him, too.

OOCly, what I'd really like is to get Steve to a point where he's willing to stay on/come back to the Barge as a warden (or at least a warden-type figure). I genuinely need some help and someone who's willing to be involved and help me push him, because I don't actually know what this will look like. He's had little moments here and there of realization, but I don't want to have to be the one to push him there from the inside, because the warden/inmate dynamic is what I love so much about this game.

So yeah, I know this is kind of a floundering, rambling pairing post, but I know what I want him to look like post-graduation (i.e., Infinity War/Endgame Steve), I'm just not quite sure how to get him there and would love for it maybe to help his warden out somehow along the way.

v 3.0 | I'm not asking you to leave me. I'm asking you to trust me.

[punched_hitler]

Steve has, by now, made most of the slow climb up out of depression and self-devaluation. He's very nearly graduated, but he doesn't want a warden to help him do it. He asked his previous warden to leave because he's tired of playing the Admiral's games - granted, he was tired of them when he mutinied, but by now, he's willing to take a different tack.

Steve's goal these days is to beat the Admiral at his own game (i.e., graduation) without playing by his rules (i.e., without giving a warden a deal to do it). He's focused on making sure the inmates aren't used as a means to an end, and more on making sure newer wardens understand they need a personalized approach.

In all of this, though, as usual, Steve still doesn't quite see himself as being able — or in some senses, deserving — of the same things, himself. What he wants is no warden at all; and, barring that, a warden that is willing to see things his way and mostly leave him alone, if not focus on making the Barge better and on spiting the Admiral. What he needs if a pairing does happen is a warden who's willing to be an active part of his recovery, to help clinch the case that there are wardens who are capable of listening to their inmates and working with them, rather than against them. That certainly doesn't mean agreeing with him, but it does mean a willingness to hear him out without dismissing his opinion, and maybe also challenging him to keep looking at things from multiple points of view.

As a player, I want to note that Steve's made his way up to the very edge of graduation, but he still needs a push or few (depending on the push) to really cross it. I genuinely am not quite sure what those pushes will look like, but I do think he can do this with or without a warden. If you are interested, know that he's (finally!) not likely a long-term inmate anymore, but one who's pretty close to graduation, so it won't be a super long-haul pairing from here - although, of course, that's not to say he can't get pushed back a bit, if we need it to happen. I'm open to ideas I haven't thought of, so please hit me up if you think there's a workable story here!

v 4.0 | Hell, if I knew how to graduate, I would have already, right?

[punched_hitler]

The only thing really holding Steve back from graduation is Steve himself. He's feeling lost and left and maybe he hates the Barge, but it feels safer and more comfortable than what he knows he has to face in the future, when he goes home.

He truly believes he's learned a lot (and he has, yes), but a lot of what he's learned isn't exactly right: He's learned to be more self-destructive, to rarely ask for things, to keep his opinions to himself, and to expect people to leave him. Some of this is genuinely misunderstood, some of it is the result of the early backlash from his mutiny, and some of it is willful misunderstanding because actually trying to be himself again means he will graduate, and as I mentioned before, he's not quite ready to do that.

I do really like how he's basically nearly morphed into Infinity War!Steve, at least in a lot of outward senses. Granted, the most important and probably graduation-conducive step is the internal one: I need to get him to the point of not asking for permission and not begging for forgiveness. He needs to get back to a place where he feels comfortable and confident in speaking out, rather than where he's at now, where it's genuinely almost a relief to him to be trapped as an inmate with no control. That's maybe the most un-Steve piece that needs attention: the way he's hesitant to step up or step in to solve bigger problems, and his lack of control comes as actual relief. He's afraid to try and comfortable in not trying, and neither of those are where he needs to be.

I am not quite sure how to get him to where he does need to be, other than to say there is a part of him that's ready to be that person again in a lot of senses, and I do think he's very close. But there is a barrier there, still: fear, exhaustion, apprehension, and genuine hurt and loss. I think he needs to acknowledge that terrible things have happened to him that have hurt him, and especially that he didn't necessarily deserve all of them. He's been using his demotion as an excuse for a long time now and it's starting to wear thin, even to his own ears. He's ready for change, he's just not sure how to take those last steps, and honestly he's more than a little afraid and maybe even ashamed of what he'll have to look back on once he gets there.

tl;dr: Steve's been here a long time, is still very stuck in a rut, needs to learn that it's okay to be tired but also that he can be the guy who gets back up again without being ashamed of the journey it took to get there. He will definitely need pushing, and he will need someone who's not willing to back off for long. But he also needs understanding and someone who can teach him to actually be kind to himself (which, as always, butts up against both his innate tendencies and his 1940s mentality). Maybe most of all, he needs someone who doesn't look at him like he should be doing better, but who is willing to simply give him the opportunity to heal and encourage him as it happens.