punched_hitler | ☆ 33 ☆ (TEXT; Private to Bucky

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☆ 33 ☆ (TEXT; Private to Bucky | SPAM; OTA)

[TEXT: Private to Bucky]
Hey, I need you to hang on to something for me for a little while, if you don't mind.

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[It's not that there's a new guy on the Barge - there's not. But anyone used to seeing Captain America around might notice that he's conspicuously missing as of Saturday - or, at least, he's not six-foot two and two hundred twenty pounds anymore. He's five-foot four and about a hundred pounds soaking wet, and he's not apologetic about it in the least. Same haircut, same voice, same style of dress (at least he asked for some civilian clothes that would fit), same attitude.

Steve goes about his day the same as he ever has - he goes for a run through the Barge early in the morning, and he shows up for his lunch shift in the kitchens and his shifts in the infirmary on time. He shows up at T'Pol's cabin for meditation, and he's even in the gym sometimes, working out against the bags. It's just that his mile has gone from two minutes to twenty, and he's got an inhaler in his pocket for those times when running or climbing the stairs - he's not taking the elevator, he refuses - gets to be a little too much.

Of course, he knows people are going to notice, but unless someone says something to him first, they're not going to hear a word about it from him. Actions speak louder than words, after all.]

[ooc: If anyone needs a reference, 1, 2, & 3, just with this haircut, still. Feel free to recognize him or not!]

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[Of course he did. Of course he did.

For the moment, Bucky just feels numb, but there's something hot and angry (and scared, too, because what the fuck, Steve?) building in him, and it's not going to be long before it bubbles out.]

Why?

[Steve's honestly not sure if this is just the new Bucky, and he doesn't actually know him well at all, or if this is just the calm before the storm. Neither sits well with him, but he can't do anything about it.]

Because with everyone talking about powers, it seemed like the only way to make anyone believe me when I said that I really don't think the powers make the person.

[He gestured a little - come on, if anyone'd understand, it would be Bucky.] I don't need the serum to be a warden. And I don't want it if it makes me something that inmates feel like they have to fight against.

[That makes him exactly what he hates - a bully, a privileged snob, someone who talks big and doesn't put any weight behind it.]

[Part of him's slightly shocked Steve hadn't pulled something like this sooner. The other, larger part is just getting more infuriated as the explanation comes, because of course. Of fucking course.]

What happens when someone tries to come after you? What then? [Bucky's barely aware of it, but his voice is going from loud to actually yelling, and for the first time since he got back, he actually sounds like his old self.] This isn't Brooklyn, Steve! I can't always be there in time to bail you out when some fuckin' psycho jumps you in a hallway!

[He remembers what that was like, dragging his friend's corpse to the infirmary, what it had felt like to literally be covered in Steve's blood (how heavy and lifeless he'd been when he dragged him out of the river) and that had happened when he was supposed to be practically invincible. What the fuck are they supposed to do now?]

Damn it, Steve!

[This is more what he was expecting - but this is actually so familiar it's comforting, in this sick way, because it's Bucky, and for a second, Steve doesn't care that he's yelling, he wants to grab him and hug him.

But that's fleeting, and foolish - and he stands his ground, all the same. He's not yelling like Bucky is - his voice is actually pretty even, but it's pretty passionate, insistent, too.] I do what I always do - I defend myself. I'm not helpless, Bucky, and I'm not that same guy from Brooklyn. I'm a soldier - I can still fieldstrip a firearm with my eyes closed. [Never mind he doesn't have one, unless you count Bucky's rifle. Steve isn't bringing that up, the point wasn't to trade one weapon for another.] I know every inch of this boat, and I know how to take care of myself. If this place was the kind of place I want it to be, that'd be enough. [So, in typical Steve Rogers fashion, he'll make it enough.

He pauses, and any rise in the volume of his voice is definitely gone, now.] I don't need you to bail me out. I need you to be my partner. I'm still Captain America. Nothing's changed.

[Except the uniform doesn't fit and he just gave his shield away, but those aren't the things that matter, anyway.]

[Everything's changed. Everything. Staring at Steve like this now just makes it all that clearer, because the last time he saw him like this was before HYDRA, before all of this, and everything's different now and he hates it.

So Steve's reassurances don't help, even if he's not yelling anymore. His scowl flickers and fades, replaced again by that same uncertain, blank look he's been sporting a lot lately as he drops his gaze to the shield.

It's sort of easier than looking Steve in the face, because he doesn't believe almost anything he just said.]

How long are you plannin' on doing this?

[Is it permanent? he'd asked, once, and Steve had brushed it off then, too. Like it wasn't a big deal he was suddenly a foot taller and filled out like an Olympic athlete. Like it's not a big deal now that he's frail and asthmatic again, and Bucky had never needed him to change, but not needing to worry as much about a bad cold hospitalizing him was definitely a bonus]

[Steve hates that look, hates it, hates HYDRA for it, but he's come to accept it. He said he'd accept whoever Bucky was now, and maybe that's just it, even if the idea of it hurts, more than anything. Honestly, Bucky being angry is better than Bucky being blank, but it's still Bucky either way, and that's really all that matters to Steve.

Even if, yeah, it's weird to suddenly be looking up at him again. He's been able to tell, since the moment he knew who the Winter Soldier was, all the ways in which Bucky is different. But it's just that... from down here, it's all the more obvious, how strong, how solid he is. It's a little scary, but a little comforting, too.

When Bucky glances away, so does he - not because he's scared, or ashamed, but it just seems... a little easier, maybe.]

I don't know, [he says quietly.] As long as it takes.

[Then, because maybe Bucky needs to hear it - ] Not forever. I can't - Dr. Erskine, too many people died. I'm not giving it up. I'm just... I need to show these people that there's more to a person than powers - than power. C'mon, Buck, you know that's true. Might doesn't make right.

[Please, please just see that. You don't have to like what he's done, or why, but please, at least, understand why. Suddenly, it seems important - as important as Bucky understanding why Steve underwent the procedure in that pod in the first place.]

[Bucky nods mutely, because he knows, and understands, and all of that. But.]

If something happens- [If someone comes after you, he means, but can't quite bring himself to say.]

I can't promise I won't hurt someone.

[It's not a threat, he's not trying to bully him into changing his mind (not that it would work, anyway), it's just... a warning. Last time something happened, he'd only attacked and killed T'Pol because she'd scared him. Now, he's not going to pretend he's stable enough to be able to be trusted with something like that being thrown back in his face.]

[Part of Steve wants to bristle, at that. He doesn't need a bodyguard, or - or an avenger, but it's easy to tamp down on that reaction pretty quickly, simply because he understands it. Bucky would say the same thing if Steve was six-foot two and he thought Steve was going to do something dumb.]

I'd say nothing's gonna happen, but. [Steve huffs a little. Yeah, he knows his track record. But really, aside from that one incident with Zane, no one has ever come after him. He honestly doesn't expect it to change, but he's not stupid enough to assume it won't, either.]

I know. I don't -

[His hands curl into fists, then relax again, and he starts pacing a little before he finally just throws himself onto the couch.] I'm sorry - not for this. [He gestures at himself.] It's my decision. But I know it affects you, too, and I knew it when I asked, and I said I didn't wanna hurt you. I meant that.

[And hurting people, that hurts Bucky. It's not who he wants to be anymore.

He takes a breath, shrugs a little, tries to smile up at Bucky.] So I guess I'd better make sure nothing happens. Simple.

[It's not, but you know what, fuck that.

But he can't help it - his eyes land on the arm, and if Bucky's afraid of hurting other people... will he be afraid of hurting Steve, now?] You still gonna stick around?

[He's not, not really. Maybe he's even overreacting, maybe his self control's better than he's giving himself credit for, but he's less scared about hurting Steve and more about maiming whoever's responsible for hurting Steve. They'd deserve it, there's no question of that, but the idea of getting that angry and violent again scares him, even if he's also comfortable with the fact that he's good at killing people. Sometimes, that's your only choice.

He shifts uncomfortably under his friend's scrutiny, and it bothers him that he'd been able to reach out and tap into the person he'd been before HYDRA had tried to burn everything except that willingness to kill out of his brain, and now it feels very far away. He should be annoyed, bitching about it, rolling his eyes and making Steve mad or trying to turn it into a joke that might be a little bitter.

Instead, he's just quiet. He doesn't want to go anywhere - even less so now than before - but there's that instinct to bolt, too.

Eventually, he can choke it down and comes over to sit next to Steve on the couch, setting the shield down gently against the arm. There's a lot of space between them, and Bucky definitely doesn't look anything close to relaxed, but at least he's there?]

[Steve, though, does relax a little, leaning back into the cushions and glancing over, expression mostly neutral, but there's a little, relieved smile tugging at his lips. Bucky's there, and it's better than him walking out that door and Steve maybe not seeing him again for weeks. Every time Bucky goes, Steve's a little afraid that's what's going to happen, but he's trying to remind himself that if that's what Bucky wanted to do, it'd be okay.

Even if it wouldn't.

And yeah, he's kind of acutely aware of the fact that Bucky should still be fuming, or maybe giving Steve shit over it, but he's not, so Steve figures he'll fill the void a little.] Just like old times. Except the heat and the hot water work.

[And, you know. Everything else. But work with him here, pal. Or at least relax a little. The couch does, admittedly, feel a lot nicer now that he kind of actually needs the cushioning. The marshmallow problem's not so much of a problem anymore, per se.]

[Honestly, he is fuming, it's just... different now. He can't express himself the same way he could before, and Steve's joke sort of falls flat because of it.

He doesn't know what to do. He'd barely known how he's supposed to be Steve's partner when he's like this before Steve had gone and gotten rid of the serum, and he has no idea how to do it, now. Not really. Not when Steve's used to being basically invincible and is way too cocky for what he's like now. At least the old Steve had had some vague sense of his limitations. Sometimes.

Sometimes.

So he fidgets uncomfortably, shifting like he's trying to get comfortable, and still doesn't look over at Steve. He has no idea what to do, or what to think about what's going on apart from really not being okay with it.]

Do you really think this is going to change anything?

[The question comes out sort of hollowly, maybe resigned.

Maybe another part of the problem here is that Bucky's not really fully with him on this, because he definitely doesn't want some kid with magic powers using him like a puppet.]

[Deep down. Steve knows he's not invincible. But he's just never been concerned with it, for pretty much the reasons he told Tiffany. He was never going to die of old age, before Project Rebirth. And after... well, the only reason he ever made it to ninety-six was because he spent most of it buried in ice. He's not planning to retire, and he knows just what his work is going to earn him, in the end - an early grave.

But at least, as Captain America, he would've gone out making a difference, doing what he believed was right. Not coughing his lungs up in a bed. And after he'd thought Bucky had died... well, self-preservation really didn't factor into things in the least.

Now, everything's different again. He's known it since he was killed by Zane, he's just been ignoring it. Honestly, he'll probably keep right on ignoring it, too, unless something actively stops him.

He's quiet for a long moment after Bucky asks that question.] I don't know. I want it to. I didn't do it for show.

[He knows Bucky will know that. He doesn't know if anyone else will, but since when has Steve Rogers ever done anything because of what other people will think?] It felt like the right thing to do. I think it is the right thing to do.

Whether it makes a difference isn't up to me. But I don't plan to be different, because of it.

[Which is probably what Bucky doesn't want to hear, because it means Steve's not planning to stand aside and let other people throw themselves into the line of fire. But he never was willing to do that, either.]

[It's giving him something like a tension headache, because it feels like every fiber of his being has been tense and at attention since he walked in and saw Steve like this. There's so much he wants to be able to put into words, and he just can't, like he just doesn't even know where to start even as he keeps struggling to at least get some of it out there.

... He's clenching his jaw almost hard enough to hurt, and he tries to force himself to relax at least that much.]

You're still Captain America, [He says, and there's something like bitter resignation there, but he also means I'm not. Carrying the shield doesn't mean anything when you don't deserve to be holding it in the first place.]

[It's impossible for Steve not to notice the way Bucky's hunkered down. It's not the same as when he's thinking about bolting - it's different, somehow, which means something else is causing it, and it doesn't take half a brain to guess what. He's watching Bucky's jaw clench and flex, unhappily, when Bucky speaks up and practically startles him.

He glances at the shield, then back frowning a little more.] Yeah, but I'm just gonna have to resort to some different tools, for now. If you need that, you take it, and you use it. Sergeant.

[Yeah, it's ridiculous to pull rank, and they both know it. But he means it. Use it, dumbass, because in Steve's mind, you never lost the privilege to hold it. You never had to earn it.

And he should leave it at that, maybe, but he just can't stop himself from going on, because he still hates the look on Bucky's face, and the way he feels like he's miles away, even when he's sitting right there.] Look. Talk to me. I can see you sitting there chewing on that piece of your mind, so give it to me.

[He's always relied on Bucky to keep him in check. Maybe he never listened, outwardly, but Bucky's always been his common sense. Always told him when he's really put his foot in it. If he's done the wrong thing, he want to hear it. If Bucky just wants to sit there and scream... Steve actually wants that, too. Anything would be better than this.]

[Something in him half bristles with discomfort when Steve calls him that, because there's a reason he hasn't put his uniforms back on. He's an enemy of the state, it feels wrong to be called by his old rank, even if he misses it desperately, too. He just doesn't deserve it anymore, doesn't deserve to feel proud of what he helped accomplish. Not when he was the primary instrument of taking it down.

Steve's next comment finally gets Bucky's wary (more like startled) eyes back on him while he tries to figure out what the hell to say. There's a lot, between wanting to go back to yelling at him and wanting to scream about how unfair this is, or even just laughing it off and trying to get things back to normal, even if that sounds a lot less appealing than the other two.

He chews his lip thoughtfully for a moment, brows furrowed with something like anxiety while he tries to figure out what to say.]

I'm worried. [Seems like a decent place to start, even if the words feel awkward in his mouth. He's not sure if that's exactly what he should have said here, or if it's something he would have said before. If that should even matter.

At least he sounds a little more confident as he continues.]

I get why you're doing it, but I think it's stupid. [But the thought of exactly why he thinks it's stupid makes his throat seal up again, because he remembers what it had been like finding Steve's body, and the idea of it happening again-

He shakes his head, looking away again.]

This changes a lot, Steve.

[That's exactly, exactly the reason Steve hadn't told Bucky that HYDRA had come back. Exactly that, because he hadn't wanted him to feel like everything had been worthless, just because he'd been a part of that monster. Steve meant it when he'd said that not one single thing HYDRA had made him do could undo all of the good that he'd done before they'd sunk their venomous claws into him.

Either way, when Bucky starts, Steve just lets him talk. It doesn't matter, really, what he would have said before. What matters is what he's saying now. He's not surprised when Bucky says he thinks it's stupid - part of Steve knows it is, and he expected Bucky to say so. But he's not sure what it changes, not really.]

What does it change? [He doesn't sound angry, or accusing. In fact, his voice is quiet, like he's afraid the question will make Bucky bolt.] I'm just me. I'm human, like a lot of the other wardens on this Barge. Like a lot of the inmates. That's all.

[It's maybe one of the first times he's ever even said anything that obliquely indicates that he was something else. It's always been this strange, weird point, because even with the serum, he was human. He wasn't like Schmidt, he took pride in that, he didn't think he was some superior race, but it would be imbecilic to say he was the same as everybody else, too. Which is exactly why he asked the Admiral to undo it.]

I know I'm a pain in your ass, but... I know you have my back. Even when I didn't have yours.

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☆ 33 ☆ (TEXT; Private to Bucky | SPAM; OTA)

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