[Steve's not sure what it says about him, that sometimes, these days, he's more likely to curl up in on himself than nudge Bucky or offer to share space. Maybe it just says that he's spent a lot more time alone than Bucky has - which is the truth - and he actually doesn't want it to be that way. It's not all the time, anyway - but more often than he'd like. Right now, though, the way Bucky nudges him, then moves to sit down with him the way Steve wanted, is just as reassuring as Bucky wants it to be.
Steve doesn't miss the way Bucky glances around before he sits, but he isn't going to call him on it, either. In a way, it's nice to have someone watching his back, and that's what Bucky's always done. And when Bucky wedges his shoulder in up against Steve's, there's an answering weight; if Bucky's propping him up, Steve sure as hell plans to reciprocate.
Maybe it's less that he's not likely to share space as he just needs to be told it's still okay. And right now, it definitely seems okay - which is a relief. A big one. This isn't an easy conversation, and it's harder because Steve's withholding half of it from Bucky. It's his own damn fault, he knows, but it's for the best. Telling Bucky the truth just isn't an option.
He's glad, at least, that Bucky doesn't argue about the plane.
Stupidly enough, it's what Bucky says, about taking that nap with him, that makes him lean his head back and laugh a little. Let Bucky think it's because of the bit about being an old man. Steve's really laughing, helplessly, about the fact that that's exactly what happened, in a twisted way, and it's funny how these things work, isn't it?
He's starting to think that anything Bucky can ask the Admiral for… it's the same thing. It's already happened. He's starting to feel a little backed into a corner, here.] I wouldn't ask you to wait. Patience is not a virtue you possess, pal.
[But what really gets him is what Bucky says last, about going back home, and about what he would go back to.
His mouth just twists for a minute, and he glances at Bucky, nodding vaguely, although he's definitely thinking about something else, just for a minute. Sometime else, when he was sitting in the ruined Stork Club, and staring at a bottle of wine that wasn't having any of the desired effect and wondering just what the hell he was supposed to do now.] Yeah. I know. [I know exactly what you're talking about, stupid, he wants to say, I know because what did I have?
But he can't say that. That's cruel, and he's not cruel. He can't even joke about it.]
Then you don't go home - I mean, not like that, [he finally says.] I just… I think we've got to be careful about this. The Admiral - he's kind of half-cocked, you know? [He tries to laugh a little.] So we can't be.
Which I know is a challenge, for some of us, here.
[Now he does elbow Bucky, gently, but he's talking about them both and Bucky knows it.] I just… I need time to think about it. You need time to think about it. I don't have an answer right now.
[Well, that's why he's here, isn't it? Time. He needs time. Even though he's not sure all the time in the world is ever going to be enough to figure this out, not really.
Because he really, really doesn't know what to do when Bucky's card comes up, when Helena graduates and it's time for him to leave. What is Steve going to say then? Will he have an answer by then? Will it be the right one? Is there a right answer, here? Everything is so fucked up, like Bucky said, and Steve feels a little trapped in his own head, with no one to talk it over with. But that's just the price - and he's willing to pay it.]
spam!
Steve doesn't miss the way Bucky glances around before he sits, but he isn't going to call him on it, either. In a way, it's nice to have someone watching his back, and that's what Bucky's always done. And when Bucky wedges his shoulder in up against Steve's, there's an answering weight; if Bucky's propping him up, Steve sure as hell plans to reciprocate.
Maybe it's less that he's not likely to share space as he just needs to be told it's still okay. And right now, it definitely seems okay - which is a relief. A big one. This isn't an easy conversation, and it's harder because Steve's withholding half of it from Bucky. It's his own damn fault, he knows, but it's for the best. Telling Bucky the truth just isn't an option.
He's glad, at least, that Bucky doesn't argue about the plane.
Stupidly enough, it's what Bucky says, about taking that nap with him, that makes him lean his head back and laugh a little. Let Bucky think it's because of the bit about being an old man. Steve's really laughing, helplessly, about the fact that that's exactly what happened, in a twisted way, and it's funny how these things work, isn't it?
He's starting to think that anything Bucky can ask the Admiral for… it's the same thing. It's already happened. He's starting to feel a little backed into a corner, here.] I wouldn't ask you to wait. Patience is not a virtue you possess, pal.
[But what really gets him is what Bucky says last, about going back home, and about what he would go back to.
His mouth just twists for a minute, and he glances at Bucky, nodding vaguely, although he's definitely thinking about something else, just for a minute. Sometime else, when he was sitting in the ruined Stork Club, and staring at a bottle of wine that wasn't having any of the desired effect and wondering just what the hell he was supposed to do now.] Yeah. I know. [I know exactly what you're talking about, stupid, he wants to say, I know because what did I have?
But he can't say that. That's cruel, and he's not cruel. He can't even joke about it.]
Then you don't go home - I mean, not like that, [he finally says.] I just… I think we've got to be careful about this. The Admiral - he's kind of half-cocked, you know? [He tries to laugh a little.] So we can't be.
Which I know is a challenge, for some of us, here.
[Now he does elbow Bucky, gently, but he's talking about them both and Bucky knows it.] I just… I need time to think about it. You need time to think about it. I don't have an answer right now.
[Well, that's why he's here, isn't it? Time. He needs time. Even though he's not sure all the time in the world is ever going to be enough to figure this out, not really.
Because he really, really doesn't know what to do when Bucky's card comes up, when Helena graduates and it's time for him to leave. What is Steve going to say then? Will he have an answer by then? Will it be the right one? Is there a right answer, here? Everything is so fucked up, like Bucky said, and Steve feels a little trapped in his own head, with no one to talk it over with. But that's just the price - and he's willing to pay it.]