[His lips flicker up into a smile - it's brief, but it's real, and it's relieved - when Bucky shoves him. He just rolls with it, swaying a little, even, but no, he can't hide the relief - it's the same look he got, maybe, when Bucky woke up that one night and reminded him, out loud, that he was with him to the end of the line.
Maybe it's just... he needs to hear it, every once a while. It helps, when sometimes he thinks about going home and how lonely it was, and how easily he's fallen back into sharing space with Bucky on the Barge.]
Who knows, [and he's still smiling, for a minute, but then Bucky falls silent, and he asks that question, and yeah, maybe he should have seen it coming, but...
Steve honestly doesn't know.
The smile fades, and it feels like his mind's going in circles. What does he want to do? He doesn't know. He never planned on a miracle. Or an Admiral's deal.
Or two. Because there are two of them.
But that's - wrong, it's the easy way out, and he's got to pay for his mistakes, doesn't he? But Bucky shouldn't, he's sure of that, and if they can work this so Bucky doesn't have to go through what he did...
God. It's tempting. It's so tempting.
But it just feels wrong. The past is the past. How is he supposed to solve things when suddenly he can change that?]
I don't know, [he admits, after what feels like forever. But then, there is one thing he knows, and it comes pretty quickly on the heels of that admission.] I don't want you on that plane with me. Not if it's going down.
[Maybe it's a horrible thing to say. He doesn't even know. But he remembers drowning - vividly. If you honestly want to know what he wants... it's not that for Bucky. Never that. He doesn't even know if Bucky could survive that crash, he still doesn't have enough information on what HYDRA did to him before and what they did to him after. If he woke up alone in the future, just to be told Bucky hadn't made it...
No. He's been through that once. It's not that he thinks falling off a cliff is kinder than going down on that plane. Maybe it's not. But he honestly doesn't know that he could look Bucky in the face and watch him drown, either.
spam!
Maybe it's just... he needs to hear it, every once a while. It helps, when sometimes he thinks about going home and how lonely it was, and how easily he's fallen back into sharing space with Bucky on the Barge.]
Who knows, [and he's still smiling, for a minute, but then Bucky falls silent, and he asks that question, and yeah, maybe he should have seen it coming, but...
Steve honestly doesn't know.
The smile fades, and it feels like his mind's going in circles. What does he want to do? He doesn't know. He never planned on a miracle. Or an Admiral's deal.
Or two. Because there are two of them.
But that's - wrong, it's the easy way out, and he's got to pay for his mistakes, doesn't he? But Bucky shouldn't, he's sure of that, and if they can work this so Bucky doesn't have to go through what he did...
God. It's tempting. It's so tempting.
But it just feels wrong. The past is the past. How is he supposed to solve things when suddenly he can change that?]
I don't know, [he admits, after what feels like forever. But then, there is one thing he knows, and it comes pretty quickly on the heels of that admission.] I don't want you on that plane with me. Not if it's going down.
[Maybe it's a horrible thing to say. He doesn't even know. But he remembers drowning - vividly. If you honestly want to know what he wants... it's not that for Bucky. Never that. He doesn't even know if Bucky could survive that crash, he still doesn't have enough information on what HYDRA did to him before and what they did to him after. If he woke up alone in the future, just to be told Bucky hadn't made it...
No. He's been through that once. It's not that he thinks falling off a cliff is kinder than going down on that plane. Maybe it's not. But he honestly doesn't know that he could look Bucky in the face and watch him drown, either.
Maybe that just makes him a coward.]