punched_hitler | For all of us who've seen the light

"Yeah," Steve breathed, unable to take his eyes off of Bucky's form as he backed away from the bed, almost like he was afraid of a rabid animal that might bite him. He had never seen that kind of look on Bucky's face before, and he wished he never had. He also wished he had whoever had done this to him in this room - so he could kill them. Slowly.

And that wasn't a thought Steve Rogers often had.

He glanced over to Sam, not knowing what to do. "I can't - should we just leave him alone?" Would that make things better, or worse? Did Sam even know?

"I don't know. But he's scared of you, or whoever he thinks you are." Sam had no idea if leaving was the right thing to do or not. The Soldier was obviously scared out of his mind, but wasn't violent.

All he could do was trust his instincts and his training, and while one told him to get out of the room, the other told him to stay, to try and help.

"I wish I had an answer, Steve. I'm just a VA counselor, I'm not an actual psychologist." He reached forward and touched Steve's arm, hoping to be able to comfort him at least some small bit. "He needs somebody better than me to help him."

Steve wasn't sure which was better - or which was worse. Violent, he knew how to handle. But cowering... No one had ever actually been afraid of him. Not when he was, you know, five feet tall, and not even really when he was Captain America. Okay, the idea had been to strike fear into the hearts of evildoers or whatever you wanted to call it, but that was different. That wasn't trying to intimidate the people he cared about.

"I - " He looked imploringly at Sam. Sam had more experience than he did, even if he was "just" a VA counselor. Steve had no idea how to handle this situation, and he was frustrated and distressed to no end. "Should we... get somebody?" He could talk to Stark, they could bring in someone, couldn't they? "Do you - I've got to believe he can be helped, Sam. I can't give up on him."

"Yeah, I think we need to. I know a couple of people that specialize in PTSD counseling for vets. At the very least I can ask some advice." Sam managed a smile for Steve, knowing he needed reassurance. "I'll talk to Stark and make some phone calls. You stay here with him but maybe don't get too close."

Sam stepped back, not sure how he would be able to phase Bucky's condition without giving away that he had been tortured until he lost his own identity and used as an assassin for 70 years.

The Soldier watched his handler and the guard talk, not understanding. He had fallen silent but was unable to keep his head down like he was supposed to.

"If you could..." Steve looked both hopeful and grateful; he didn't have connections like Sam did, and he didn't know much about how to handle PTSD. In the 40s, they'd just called it "shellshock" and assumed you'd get over it. But that wasn't the case with Bucky, because there was so much more involved that Steve didn't even know where to start.

Besides, he was confident that Sam could find some way to get Bucky help, even if they had to explain the situation to someone. As long as it was someone they could trust... he would be okay with that.

Steve glanced back at Bucky, letting out a breath. Maybe it was better it he just... stayed over here. He would walk Sam as far as the door of the cell, then he took a seat against the glass wall, cross-legged, on the floor. Maybe then he would seem nonthreatening, safe.

Sam nodded. "Yeah." He paused at the door and touched Steve's shoulder. "We'll get him through this, okay?" Then he hesitated and pressed the trigger switch for Bucky's collar into Steve's hand. "I know you won't use it, but I would feel better if you had it. Just in case." He kissed Steve on the lips then retreated out of the cell. He would get advice first, and then deal with Tony.

The Soldier watched the guard leave the room, and his handler sit against the mirror to his left. It was odd, that his master would leave himself alone and vulnerable. The Soldier knew better than to attack, but it was strange. He sat up after a few minutes, unsure, and rested his hand on the bed next to him. He was hard-pressed to keep his eyes off of his own reflection - he hadn't seen himself in years without the protection of his armor and goggles, and the dampening of the muzzle.

He touched the collar gingerly. This was a new addition. Did they want to use it for punishment in the field? Was it a remote wipe? He swallowed hard against the soft inside of the collar and glanced at his handler then back down again, hair hiding his face so he didn't have to look at his reflection. He sat, waiting for a mission statement, for a face and name to be presented to him.

"Okay," Steve said quietly - he wanted to believe Sam, and badly, but he was starting to feel pretty lost. His hand barely closed around the trigger switch, and he glanced at it before looking up at Sam.

No, he wouldn't use it. But if it made Sam feel better... well, Steve could hold onto it, sure. What harm could that do? He frowned, but nodded slightly, leaning close as Sam kissed him - too briefly - before the other man slipped out of the cell. Finally, Steve turned and took up watch from the floor, eyes on the Soldier - on Bucky - as he started to move. But he didn't expect Bucky to do anything violent, and for once, he was right.

A few long, long moments passed - they looked at either other, but neither spoke. Finally, Steve couldn't stand it anymore. "Hey. Are you... uh, back to English yet, buddy? My Russian's pretty... nonexistent." He tried to laugh, but it came out pretty weak.

Edited 2014-05-29 23:55 (UTC)

The Soldier glanced up briefly when his handler spoke then quickly ducked his head. He was speaking English and the Soldier knew he should respond, but his brain couldn't process it. He said, "I don't understand... I'm sorry, I don't..." He knew, logically, that he should be able to speak and understand English, but it was like the language was gone.

He closed his mouth and his eyes, bracing for his handler to move, to punish him for not obeying whatever he had said.

Edited 2014-05-30 00:17 (UTC)

Steve obviously wasn't going to punish Bucky for replying in Russian - but he didn't know what his friend was saying or how to help. All he knew was that the tone of Bucky's voice sounded scared, like he wanted to flinch, but also like he didn't dare. That made Steve unhappy, though of course he couldn't know that Bucky might interpret the frown on his face for something other than concern.

He shook his head, saying, "I'm sorry. I can't understand you - hell, maybe you can't understand me." Which was crazy - this was Bucky, American-born and bred, but... part of him wasn't Bucky, too. Steve tentatively scooted a little closer - just a foot or two - but stayed sitting on the floor. "It's... okay." Even though it wasn't. "I can wait."

The Soldier went stiff when his handler moved closer to him, bracing himself. But he didn't come close enough to get in physical range, just stayed against the wall, sitting down. But the tone of his voice had changed, going from demanding-angry to concerned-friendly-questioning. He swallowed hard, confused. He nodded after a few moments, hoping it was the right response.

JARVIS interrupted, "Captain Rogers? Would you like me to provide a translation?"

The Soldier jumped, unable to hide his surprise. He looked around for the source of the new voice, but realized after a few moments it was likely just an intercom system. He pulled his arm in towards his belly anyways, unsure if it was an alarm of some kind and he would either be needed to stop a threat against his handler or if soon guards would be piling into the room to subdue him. He didn't need to, he would sit still as they wanted, but he knew it didn't matter if he knew he was going to stay still or not. He swallowed hard and said, "I can't... I'm sorry, I don't know..." He choked himself off forcibly, forcing himself silent by biting his tongue.

Steve stopped the instant Bucky stiffened - his goal wasn't to frighten his friend, but to make him feel more at ease (which was feeling pretty impossible right now). And Bucky wasn't the only one that jumped a little when JARVIS interrupted, as it was - Steve blinked, looking around, although of course there wasn't actually a physical presence that he could address. So instead, he just tried to project his voice upward, as calmly as possible. "Can you?" He hadn't thought of that. "I... don't understand Russian at all, and I don't think he's processing English."

And clearly that wasn't good, not by the way Bucky's face was pale, the way he was practically vibrating with fear and visibly trying to keep himself silent. "It's okay to talk," Steve said gently, wishing JARVIS might be able to translate in a comforting tone, though he wasn't sure that was really possible for an AI - let alone one created by Tony Stark. "I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just here to keep you company."

JARVIS said, in perfect, smooth Russian that made the Soldier look around in alarm, "My name is JARVIS. I will translate. Do you understand?"

The Soldier nodded after a moment, warily. He glanced at his handler again then returned his attention to his lap. He listened to the voice and looked up at his handler. "Do you have a mission for me?" He licked his lips nervously, focusing his gaze somewhere over the man's shoulder, careful not to look him in the eyes, not to change his body posture from anything except quiet, calm submission.

Edited 2014-06-02 01:16 (UTC)

JARVIS and Bucky had a brief exchange of words, which of course Steve couldn't understand - but Bucky didn't exactly look any calmer. Steve watched him, carefully, feeling his own stomach churning, feeling uncomfortable despite the fact that he'd just had a good meal and a full night's sleep (well, day's sleep).

"What did he say?" Steve asked anxiously, not really liking that he didn't have a person or a face to talk to, to question.

Thankfully, JARVIS seemed to have better manners than Stark. "He asked if you have a mission for him. What shall I tell him, Captain?"

A mission? Steve frowned. Wasn't he the mission? Wasn't that the whole point of this? Or did... "Ask him who I am," he said slowly, frowning again.

The Soldier hesitated at the question. It had to be a trick. He looked around the room, glanced to the mirror to his left, then returned his attention back to his handler. He couldn't hesitate too long, or the punishment would swiftly follow, so he said, cautiously, "My handler... My master..."

[Have you ever seen Political Animals and/or Kings? Sebstan plays a mean twink son of a powerful political figure. Was thinking Steve could be a bodyguard assigned to protect him. Could be in MCU or not...]

Edited 2014-06-02 01:42 (UTC)

Well... that wasn't right. That wasn't right at all. "What? No," Steve said, as soon as JARVIS had translated for him. "Bucky, I'm your best friend. You have to remember. You did, before."

Steve didn't know if he could get through to him - he hadn't before, and he didn't know what he could do now that would change that. But he held up his hands - placing the trigger device Sam had given him on the floor in front of him. "I'm not going to force you do to anything. You're my friend. My equal."

[Ooh - I haven't seen either, but I know about Political Animals! It's on my to-see list. That could be really fun. >D]

The Soldier turned his face away, confused. He closed his eyes then brought his hand up to them, shielding his face. "I don't understand..." His face scrunched up in confusion and he sat there. His handler thought him his equal? His friend? He looked up, hand falling and asked, dead serious, "Is this a test?" It had to be. That was all that remotely made sense. There was nothing else this could have been. They were testing his programming, his conditioning. He had just come out of a wipe, were they making sure it had worked?

He wanted them to either wipe him again, or them to put him in the ice.

[Political Animals is on Netflix, if you have that! All you really need to know is that Sebstan plays the son of somebody important and is gay (literally that happens in both Kings and PA) (I am a simple woman). I can host on my journal, if you like.]

Steve had to bite his lip a little to keep from laughing - he remembered quite well the feeling that everything was a test, but he didn't want to give the wrong impression. This wasn't a test. "It's not a test. I'm really here to help. I don't want to let whoever did this to you do it ever again."

He couldn't bear the thought of how many times this must have happened before. Of how helpless Bucky must feel, how frightened - he could see those emotions on his face, hidden but still there, and it hurt. "You're not a weapon. You're a person. Who can make his own choices. You've always kept me from making bad ones."

[Ooh, I will totally have to look it up then! BUT SERIOUSLY this sounds like something that needs to happen. :3 I could go with or without MCU, though MCU might be interesting (like if SHIELD has some kind of political stake in things and that's why they send Cap as a bodyguard and he's just... unsure about the whole thing? XD If you want to host, that would be awesome!

AND SORRY I WAS GONEEE impromptu trip to the Grand Canyon. XD]

The Soldier hesitated. That had only convinced him this was even more of a trick. There was no other explanation. His handler was testing how he would react to being told he was a human being - like a tool could be anything but. He swallowed then said, "I am a weapon. What is my mission?" His hand fisted in the sheets and he stared straight ahead, back straightening.

[I'll get it started, then!

I wish I could go on an impromptu trip to the Grand Canyon *grumbles*]

The refusal to even acknowledge he was a human being made Steve frown. "You're not," he insisted, moving to stand up, forgetting for a moment about his worry that he would scare Bucky. He just wanted to get his point across. "You're my best friend. You're James Buchanan Barnes. A person. My - my family." Bucky had always been family, and now he was truly all Steve had left of a time he'd thought he'd lost forever. Sam was important to him, but Bucky was important in a different way.

"Your mission is to remember who you were," he said, thinking that maybe... maybe that could prompt Bucky to start thinking for himself. "Can you do that?"

[\o/

<333 Heh, it was still a pretty long drive, but definitely worth it!]

The Soldier flinched when his handler stood but he kept his eyes staring straight forward. He was silent, still unsure what exactly this test was supposed to prove, what he was supposed to do to pass it. He was being told he was a person, to remember who he was, whatever that meant. He had no idea what to say, so he said nothing. His handler would get mad that he didn't respond, but he didn't know what to do. He knew that not responding was just as wrong as the wrong answer, but there was nothing else to do.

Steve didn't like the way Bucky flinched, stopping in his tracks - but he didn't sit down again. Bucky just stared at him silently, and Steve didn't know if he just didn't understand the "order" or if he simply refused to follow it. He couldn't believe that Bucky couldn't do it - he'd had his friend back, albeit briefly, and he was desperate to get that again. He just didn't know what to do to achieve that goal.

"You... don't understand what I'm asking?" he asked carefully, slowly, although JARVIS was still translating, so it didn't really matter how slowly Steve spoke. "You can't remember being Bucky? Is that it? I know you can, buddy. You just have to try."

The Soldier said, again, "I am a weapon. What is my mission?" If he couldn't pass the test, he could ask for his mission. They had to have one for him, why else would they be testing his programming?

JARVIS translated the Soldier's words then said, hesitantly. "Sir... Mr. Wilson says that he is speaking to a psychologist, and they wish to speak to you about Sergeant Barnes."

[ http://make-it-hurt.dreamwidth.org/557.html ]

Edited 2014-06-04 00:33 (UTC)

Steve was honestly at a loss. Running around in circles wasn't helping either of them, it was only working both of them up, although the Soldier was trying to stay visibly calm and relaxed. That bothered him almost as much as the answers he was getting. What had really happened to his friend?

And so, even though he felt guilty, he seized the out JARVIS gave him - after all, it was an out that would help. "He does? They do? Okay - tell them I'll be right up."

He glanced over at Bucky, then leaned down to pick the device that activated the collar up off the floor. "I have to go now. I won't use this. I'll... let you have some time to relax. Try to do that, okay? Relax. You'll..." He hesitated. "We'll give you a mission soon." Maybe that would mollify him, calm him down. "You've always performed above our expectations."

He nearly flinched when he said that, but maybe hearing that... would also help. He turned, making his way out of the room, and made sure the door was shut and locked behind him.

[OMG that is beautiful. :3 I will totally tag that tonight!]

The last two sentences made the Soldier's shoulders slump in relief. He sat on the bed for a while, watching the room around him. After a long time without anybody coming in, or any more words, he slid to the floor, starting to mechanically do one-armed pushups.

Sam looked around when Steve came into the room. He had his phone on the coffee table, a notebook next to him full of scribbles. "Hey, Steve." He adjusted his notebook. "So it turns out we haven't fucked Bucky up too bad. How's he doing?"

Edited 2014-06-04 01:12 (UTC)

Steve still felt bad about leaving, but... what else could he do? He wasn't qualified to help Bucky, and he was starting to see that better than ever. If Sam had gotten ahold of someone who could...

"JARVIS, can you keep an eye on him?" he asked, as he walked, coming shortly to the room that Sam had shown him before. He tried to smile a little, raising a hand as he entered and spotted Sam. "Hey - " Then he paused, hope clearly igniting behind his eyes, as Sam spoke again, and Steve headed for the table much more quickly. "We haven't? I mean - he's... still speaking Russian. He wants a mission." The idea of which clearly made Steve uncomfortable, despite the sudden infusion of hope. "He can't remember who I am."

(no subject)

make_it_hurt - 2014-06-04 16:06 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

punched_hitler - 2014-06-04 17:26 (UTC) - Expand

For all of us who've seen the light

sorry work has been eating meeeee

no worries!

<33

Re: <33

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

oh man I swear I am alive, I think XD

I've been so busy the past few days I don't think I've been able to tag back either!!

Ah, life. Gets in the way of RP XD

Lol no kidding. If you ever want to do another RP with me, I do have several ideas *wiggles eyebrows

OMG I would love to hear them~ :3 You can feel free to message me or just toss them in a comment XD

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)